Ya Rab help me return 1

Suddenly - I realise all I've done in the past is lose my faith
everyday.. I woke up and I fell down into a pit hole where there was no faith
No faith
I lived without feeling the greatness of my reasoning or being here
being given the pleasure of health and work
being aspired into position of love , a loving family
safety
technology
yet all i found myself doing was abusing the power of electrical wiring
connections absent in streets of air
I walked in abscence, in silence
for so long
faithful
unfaithful
i have been unfaithful to the community of muslims
Islam
purity
I find myself
dirty
dying with pain I created from tears manufactured in some part of me that only thinks of small things
things not as big as Phalestine
or strength or words or meaning
Things not as faithful as the Prophet, or friends of the Prophet or women in the Prophet lives... women in history breaking beautiful rules and entering into true religion

things so small that my eyes were asleep during the breaking of dawn -during when colours melted into the regions of heaven
so grand the sky that is so high for me to see
yet I sleep
powerless with distrust and illness of fear
powerless with other disgusting emotions and emotionless dreams
that for a long time where my pillow
my only lonely comfort


and then one day
i cry
Icry until I think I will never stop
for my anger infuriates me
and my pain grew so large like tumour I could not control
and all these dreams I felt they were real
like they were happening
everything was black
all my tears they wet my soul
and as they wet my tired soul
it was like rain washing away the irreversible
I cried so much that i made water to clear the darkness
the walls that surrounded me became softer
and then they started to fall
with each one
with every wall breaking
I heard something good
Ifelt something new
I became someone else - became who I want to be
and today
today I feel different
I feel like faith is mine
all mine
and i can hold it in my arms
like a lover
a lover i found that will stay with me forever
not like any other lover
this time I feel
I feel all the good inside me returning
all the beauty inside me surfacing
I feel faith has always been loyal to me
I have not been loyal
I have not been loyal a t all
but today
all I want to is pray
please god accept in me this change and help me recover
help me recover and discover who ionce was and who I want to become
for without you I am nothing
I feel empty and I want you to accept me as I take back an ugly part in me each day and change it into good
ya Rab