Thursday, June 28, 2012

DOOR 6; HARD WORKING FIGHTER

Door 1: Stability
your dreams are being focused and there are too many things and people that can help to throw you off
even the closest to you
dont let pain hold you down
dont let impatience
or slow movement or seemingly no moevement throw you down
dont let it burn you
rather
you burn it
you get it

listen to me
the dream
is running now
wild and free as ever
you have awoken
you have respoken
you have become what youve always wanted to be

A FIGHTER
dont let anyting take you down
chase
speed
run
fly
dance

dont let anything bring you down

going back to that first day and today
i think its amazing how stronger you are
beautiful you are
and the most important thing
different you are
you are not accepting the same problems no more
you want to be nothing the past showed you
you want to be nothing the past brought you
no you want to be an independant woman
a powerful woman
a beautiful woman
a hard
working
fighter

Door 6: HARD WORKING FIGHTER

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Ya Rab too much debt

Ya Rab Help me
I need you to make me different
powerful
strong
kind
Ya Rab

Samihni
Ya Rab
Don't let it be
heal me and help me change myself
heal myself from within

Ya rAb
ana mudayga
as I feel like I owe you but  I am in so much dept with you
so much debt

Monday, June 25, 2012

Hold on

Hold on
the wind is speeding and the tables are blowing
hold on twister is here of
bad emotions and tumultous pain
Holdo n
storm has come
to take you away
grip to the future
grip to the better
grip to the frontier
no backing down or back
Hold on
rain hits you hard
andyou feel your heart is about to explode
youret ired
youre angry
youre ashamed
youre sad

Hold on
dont let it take you
you arestronger
wiser
more patient
more clean
than that
Hold on to the day
to the moment and the hour
this black black cloud will pass
this inability to feel like youre going somewhere
Hold on
dont go there
dont go there

Hold on
this bad weather must end
will end
and when it does
you will thank yourself that you didnt miss
to see the new day

Hold on
Hold on
Hold on
forever and ever
and never let go 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Door 5:Balance

Door 5: Balance
I am so unbalanced doing one thing too much
and nothing of another

I think i know what is righ and what is wrong and I am afriad of doing wrong
and yet I am still unbalanaced
suddenly I am being pulled at rapid speed through a tunnel of a dream ive always wanted
I cannot stop
its like a train at high high speed
going somewhere
forthe firs time in my life my life has meaning
strengthand hope
for the first time I can see something happening and truth unshadowed
i feel wise
surreal
happy
just happy
and
im
patient
I am impatient
I am
realistic with a bit of un
I know it will take time but I am willing to unbalance my life so much and step into a superstars day to create my dream faster
thats not being unrealistic that is working overdrive

but
there is also faith
fasting
truth and honesty
that i have forgotten
the reason I am here
the prayers I have prayed
the real life
the one I also live

balance
there must be blance hope
or you will lose on something else and then
you will think....oh no
lets turn the other way
to fix it and before you know it
winning on this one thing
wont mean anything for you would have lost too many other important things

BALANCE

Saturday, June 23, 2012

you can have whatever you want

You can have whatever you want
it just takes work


and I tihnk
No longer do I want my dreams to be dreams
No theyre biggerethan that
stronger than that
worthy thna that

I deserve the best that I can give and offer myself

You can have whatever you want
Not in a childish way
a jealous way
a mean way

No in an ambitious striving faithful way

i see there isp otential in all I want and believe and see but cannot yet feel

and its time my life changes

not just n one corner but in a lot of corners
a lot and lot of corners

and then those corners become curves
beautiful curves
melting into life
and its happinness

I think
God didnt give me that life becasue he wants better for me
but he made me see that i can extract what i need from it to feel it
and still be free
and so I think
God gav eme better
he gave me faith
my faith
annd that i worth everything
everything
because with it

I am higher than the most mighest person
I am smarter tan the most smartest
and I am more beautiful than the most beautiful

but I have energy that i want to give
and I have thing that i got to do

-----------------
 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Door 4: Perserverence

Door 4: Perserverence
Perservere to be happy
to be beautiful
pereservere to be strong

perservere to please God


Perservere to do the right thing
the strong thing
the weird and wonderful
but most importantly honest
and unique
perserve with your dream
with your jusice to yourself
and give yourself
the way to a new door of everything you can imagine

all well all better all wiser
all magnificent
all you

Perservere

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Lock Door 3: Ashamed

THIS DOOR IS TO BE LOCKED

Door 3: Ashamed
for many times, many years you are ashamed of a lot of things inside you, outside you, around you, within you things youve done things u ere menat to do things you forgot things you didt forget but should have

You feel ashamed a lot and everytime you walk thorugh taht door
all you see arespiderwebs heavy with images held forever in your mind
held with broken heart and feelings of - 'why did i do that - i could have done better i should have done etter i shouldnt have odone that i should have done that
i wish i did that
i wish i thought of that

I feel like im so lost walking thourgh taht door
that door is a big reduction in my progress
evreytime i walk thorugh it i have to finish a cycle and to leave end up in the start of my journey
for feeling ashamed erases feelings of happines strength hope andn love
it erases feelings of goodness and good deeds

the worst part of feeling ashamed of anything
is that its in your own hand
you are the one that could stop this one word from ever entering your life

first
 this doormust be closed
anything in the past you cannot change
you can only ask for forgiveness
more importatnly you must believe in that forgiveness

anything that you shouldnt do
dont do

anything that you must do
do and empower with kindness
not oh i have to do this boring
 no
more like
I want to do this even if hard thing
as it is important and it is worthwhile and ther is a reason behind it

like praying on time
like
 studying

I  close this door

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Door 2: The promise

Door 2: The Promise
you should sav and continue
do not forget to aspire
to refresh
to freshen 
the dream

this time it has to be hard
it has to be real
it hasto be promising
it has to be unique
it hasto be mine


dont make yourself weak
or jealous
ormake others jealous
or do wrong
be smart
be healthy
be strong
be powerful
be you
be inert to sadness
be immune to tears
be lost in health of mind body and soul
remember
love is life is the beginning and the end
remember the promise
the promises
the ones new
the ones old
the ones forgotten
the ones taken
the ones stolen
the  ones broken
rewind them
save them and continue
 

Monday, June 18, 2012

Door 2: The Promise

Door 2: The Promise
I Promise myself that I will keep
what dream is eternal what dream is mine
I dream to make all I want come real
as long as I have Gods help
i Promise to stay strong and healthy
in mind body and soul

I promise big promises that need a big heart
I promise big things that need effort patience and time
I promise myself and myself alone
I promise myself a new chance and a new chance

I promise once stepped in I will never step out again
I promise once challenged I will not fear or breakdown
I promise once darkness happens I will not stop walking or
even running
I promise to become my own role model
I promise to have big dreams

But rememberalso
only God can help you
dont try get smart
or sexy without him
dont try
fail him to win something else

you will fail so quickly
Dont forget God and your beautiful faith
it holds a massive part of yourdoors stability and the promise

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Door 1: Stability


Do not let it get to you
remember you are in control
remember you are the one who is right
just like you have tied up all these knots
you are the only one who can unleash them

Remember, just like you feel
the reverse can happen
life can open for you a whole new flower
a whole new chapter
but you are only one who can turn that page

you are the only one who can smell that scent


I know you hurt
I know you ahve tears in your eyes
I Know you feel bad
I know you feel dumb or stupid that you are here now

but listen
all those feelings will not do anything
the only feeling that will help is stability of the dream , of the truth
what is your dream? now stabilise it
do it every day
believe in it every second
live it every moment
fantasise about it in hyour sleep
change your whole life to accommodate that dream
 and nothing else

nothing else 

Door 1: Stability

The key is stability in your dreams not 1 or 2 or 300 days but forever this
is a never ending road
the most important hting is to remember
you deserve to be the best
you deserve to feel proud
not for anybody
but if u had to d it for soembody do it for the right one
not for anything
but if u had to do it for anything do it for the right thing
not for nothing will you give up
for giving up is the present of the devil
all hard work and beautiful dreams handed over to the devil

remember you've tried it all
you've heard it all
you've felt it all

on one side

now its time to turn tables
to turn land
to turn eyes

.......

Door 1: Stability
You must stay stable and everyday work on your dream
there are all different parts to this dream
dont latch onto one thing and then get tired
you must grasp all
you must have all the letters of stability

stability is to throw away the fears you have inside
the worries you feel deep down
the anger you alwayshold
and to start telling the stories that were never told

stability means to help yourself
and love yourself
and be yourself
and hold yourself high

you brought yourself down before
suddenly I  think
why did i do that or do this
but now i think i really dont know the answer
i just know the result
i felt low
and now
now
i think

stability means to hold yourself high
but to be high is to aim high
is to work at high standards 

the strange sum

17 camels
what is half
a third
and ninth??


______
add one more camel
18
what is half
a third
and ninth

_________
so then the sum is easy
9
6
and 2

which equal?
17
strange

The idea is sometimes to fix a problem someone must contribute so that it can be solved

Saturday, June 16, 2012

stabilise

stabilise your dreams and what they mean , they mean everything to you and they are not to be given away
remember
no one deserves them but you
no one can have them
no one can see them come true but you
the devil is clever
he makes you feel proud and happy and a feeling like you are in control
so you lax
and get cool
and stop tightening the holes
and before you know it
youre leaking
and back to drowning
the devil is clever
every minute the start gets further away
if u let that distance be forgotten
the start becomes faint
and the whole effort becomes faint
you must see the start as right now



everyday everyday you must ask yourself
what is my dream ?
and when you answer
you think
what am I doing to make me get or lose that dream

you must always refresh your memory
and your time
and your life
you must never give up but most importantly you cannot
give it away

do not give it away
to anyone
or anything

Do you hear me?
DO not give up so easily

Door 1: Stability

Still have so many doors to open , that I have the key to
right here in f ront of me in my hand
I have the keys to all these locked doors
ones with glass and I can see the other side
a place I wana reach
keys to metal doors , ones I do not knOw whats behind but I can see rays of sun and feel the heat on the metal, it must be warm it must be shining on the other side
ones coloured, some wooden, lots old and and lots more new
particularly those old doors ones with rust, and dust I must open them to clean them to finish them to make them history
for as long theyre closed they serve to haunt me and hold me
lots of doors
so many
ones that intice me
and hold my eyes
Doors 

I have clues - I have keys to them
I can open them and I want to open them
I have the keys right here
right now
and everyday I am going to open a door
but wait - some doors , some doors must not be opened - some must stay closed but the key is not to open or close the action is easy
the secret is to know which ones to open and which ones to leave closed
its fun really
its life
its heaven or hel
and its mistakes
and challenges
but its also me
me and doors

Today: is the door of stability
I have dreams that I am going to stabilise
my dreams will be my only reason
my only way forward
the only thing I can see
the only thing  I want
everyhting else will have to wait and get in line

TOday is the door of stability  and in order for my dreams to be real, I must open the door to stability and learn this simple word
 

Friday, June 15, 2012

still cant answer the question I know the answer to

I'm unhappy
not because i have to be
but becasue I want to be
I'm sad
not because i have a reason
but becasue I cant find a reason
I'm lonely
not becasue I am
but because I choose
I'm angry
not because somethings happened
but becasue nothings happened
I'm weak
not because im small
but because I see myself small
I'm sleepy
not becasue i havnt slept
but because Ive slept too much
I'mlocked
not becasue theres no key
but because i cant find the place for it
they key
I'm boring and bored
not because there's nothing to do
but because I can't find that cool part within me to clear
yesterday  idreamt what it would be like to see a million years from now
maybe less maybe more
I got scared
not because I could feel
but because I could see everything in  a very hard far away place
where no one could hear me or help me
and then through a portal
I asked myself the question
WHY?
why have i done this
I'm still wondering
not becasue I dont know the answer
but becasue I know the answer very well
and I still cant answer any part of anything

anything..........

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

it suddenly occured to me 1

it suddenly occured me standing  in a busy moving underground
still and tired
suddenly very raw and aware of my fast and quick life
on a slowly moving electronic flat escalator - as everyone passed me by, practically racing to get there


it suddenly occured to me that my life was going to end one day just like that slowly moving escalator
taking me on a journey at first
I couldnt see the end
it felt forever amongst rapid feet
but eventually without even trying I got to the end
there was no way to avoid it
I reached the end

it suddenly occured to me that my life was the exact same
messing and living laughing and crying being late being early
whatever
I am on a moving escalator and one day
one day I will see the end

that day will I say?
no I wish i didnt rush
no I didnt rush but didnt move fast enough either
or will i say
it was just right
the pace

it suddenly occured to me
that                                                                                  I crashed a while back
and I never have been found
like a broken accident
somewhere out in the middle of nowhere
where know one knows
why and how
one of those mysteries
the scene
shows silence and a tiny radiance of cool smoke
like something still has an essence of flame
but too cool to live
to the full

it suddenly occured to me
that all i want is to live
other people have the crown of health completely removed
and yet they struggle for the throne
struggle

and others like me
have a crown given to them voluntarily
they didnt ask for t
they have it
and they have it well

they have it fine
a crown filled with jewels and pearls and diamonds
that is just for them

and yet they throw it away
they drink they smoke
they depress themselves
they ignore their health

until it becomes a struggle

it suddenly occured to me that its all just a moving escalator
it will all take us to the same place
same place
different times

in that time
what will all achieve
what will i achieve
what will i achieve
what will i forgive myself for and never forgive myself for?

it suddenly occured to me
there is a lot i havnt forgiven myself for
time
mistakes
words

waste
done
wrong

it suddenly occured to me that even though i am facing forward i am really going back

even though i am on the only track
it is the wrong one

it suddenly occured to me
that one day
one day
it will be too late

and then will i wake up
and look back
in horror
and think
why
why did I give it all away
my track
my health
my wealth
my days
my breaths
my smiles
my power
my time
simply me
why did i give away me /
?

e

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

am I like this ?

Am I being like this? 
hel like this?
loved like this 
is this me ? 
That is how I feel
the woman who cant see the truth
the woman 'in love'
am I being held like this 
feeling happy 
am I ? 
wrong 
or right 
broken and taken
by ancient emotions
and withering devotion
to the wrong kind

Monday, June 11, 2012

you always have a choice

you always have a choice
alhamdulilah
between action and depression
between mango and darkness
between true love and fake ideas glittered by a devils talent

you always have a choice
between good stuff and bad things
between healthy friends and dirty smiles

you always havea choice between
lemon cheese cake and bitterness
between trust and sour lies

you always have a choice
between freedom and what you tihnk is freedom 
between love and what u think is love
between power and what u think is pwoer
between happinness and what u think is happinness

you walways have a choice

so what choice will u make ?

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I wonder what ill dream today

I wonder what ill dream
I wonder will it seem so true like
the air i breathe
or the shadow that follows

I wonder what ill see
will it be love or peace
or will it be pain I cease to feel
will i remmeber you
amidst the growing fairytales in my mind
in real empire of city truth

I wonder will i hear you
from over here
expanding my lungs with new seconds
every second
in time


I wonder will i chase beauty
till i find it
within me _ a race of eternal harmony
I search everywhere
to find the key
to me

I wonder what ill dream today
will it be like yesterday or will it
be new and real and strong

like the grandess of a city scraper
or the tall infrastructure of a new mind
or the gaping windows of a fitted heart
with fait h
or the far away furthest building that i can see
in the horizon of another afternoon

as i wonder what i will dream today 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

POW_ the past or the fuTure.

meaningful and true
its not where youve been its where ur going
unless u are with God where youre going
its useless....

but you have the right to change the ability to change the power to change
and those who do
i think god will welcome them even more
for they have an extra step
they had a more dangerous chanceto lose
which htye did not take


....

Monday, June 4, 2012

my dream _ is back

I ask myself the question

is there anything to stop me from achieving this dream?

I answer myself

no

no more will this dream be a thousand years away
no more will it be far
no more it will be weak in my heart
no more will i stop and start


I think to myself

there are dreams that are in gods hands yet
and there are dreams he has given to you
but they have unlocking keys tests and strengths you must pass to get to them

did you not ever think like that ?
like a challenge test
you must pass al achallenges to find the dream

but the abiility you have
these are not impossible challenges

and this is a beautifully possible dream


I tihnk to myself

when will this dream be mine ?
right now
i can barely form it
like a new foetus
it grows on me
it takes from me

i think to myself
this is my dream and noone elses

this is my dream

Sunday, June 3, 2012

for a girl who wants to start again.....this time for her , just her

For a girl who has absolutely no control over her nafs
she may be able to see the monster within

if a portal opens even for just a few seconds

for a girl who has no control over her dreams
she may be able to die without fulfilling any of them

unless she open the portal for a few seconds more


for a girl who has no idea who she is
she may have given all her energy to the devils smile

unless she opens the portal for a minute

is that her limit

just a minute

for a girl who has absolutely no power overher wishes
she may be able to hear that only she is one left out

alone
forever


unless she opens a portal for a minte more

for a girl who has no demands
she is simply unhuman

for a girl who is too afraid to try
worse
thas tried surrendering too many times

and is used to it

for a girl who has no knowledge but to surrender
her heart hearts

and she is used to it

for a woman who sees herself small
she will always feel small

unless she opens the portal forever

Ya Rab

Ya Rab I need your help
Ya Rab please do not leave me on my own
Ya Rab I need your help and love and strength in my heart
I need your change and to help me rearrange my life
and my faith
my status is with you
and yet i feel offline


Ya Rab
I need your attention
your attraction
your moments in time
and your creative aspirations

Ya Rab I need you




Saturday, June 2, 2012

Tricked

tricked
perfect timing
and you are always the one losing
have you not asked yourself why you are always the one losing
having to deal and feel with pain all day long
and stolen memories from a woman stronger and better than you

tricked
lost minutes make up an hour , hours
a laugh at you invisible from behind
from in front
it works
after all
they are good what they do
and you?
no
you are not good at what you do

tricked
powerfully wrong
powerfully in pain
powerfully needing passion

an ache aches deep within
you ask yourself what is causing this circuit of tears
I say
deep tenderness to have an excuisite dream
that does belong to you

for youare nothing like the woman of your dreams
but thats not what aches

what makes the tear fall final its weight breaking further my defeat
is that i should be that woman of my dreams
whatever i want to be i should be
there should be no difference between those two women
and yet


they are two drasticly different women
they are two differently created creatures

tricked you are
untricked she is

and the difference is clear

I cry becasue i want to be untricked
and yet every second more
I am
fallen into anotehr trap

I think
time will end one day
2 or 3
I dont know
but time will end

and then time will spare heaven or hell
and all the time in the world will not be enough for regret

I will think
A heave n
I wonder whats in A heaven
 

iceberg of my dream ......

 I wish for a navy blue satin dress that fits perfectly and has white crystals as a belt...it swirls as i'm dancing on a night time somewhere in khartoum city and im wearing euphoria calvin klein...but that is just the iceberg of my dream .............

Friday, June 1, 2012

I dream of....

I dream of white satin and roses try
to blend in harmony and not cry
I dream of shimmers of sandal and wood
I dream in your eyes I am understood

I dream of pearls glistening closeto midnight
I dream in your hands i am the love you never want to fight
I dream of overlaps of threads and delicate armoury
after shave and whistful sanctionary
in your song with me

I dream of chaos that calms
I dream of madness that reasons
I dream of weakness that strenghtens
I dream of a love that is hard to beat

I dream of you
i dream of me
and nobody
in between
ever

I dream of white
 Idream of black
I dream of a love that nothing can attack

I dream of me
 idream of you
 I dream of us being simple but true

I dream of a  future with you by my side
handsome soldier
i never forget you
you aer my unforgotten tide

rythym of my heart calls me to bleed
for your memory that needs
me to remember
all you are
and all i am with you

all I am
and all you are with me

I dream of white or gold garden lamps
I cant decide
I dreams of henna hands matching
that cant divide
i dream of two souls meeting
that were meant to collide

I dream of a powerful love
like powerful marks
or a powerful song
like a powerful statment
or even a powerful end
 I always dream big
but I never chase it to the end


100

I am afraid
only from the damage i can cause myself
 Iam afraid of my own neglects
and over percieved power
I know it is good to stay strong
but only if you have the capability to protect yourself
do I?

I am afraid from the agner I have caused
and hte regrets i have managed an the lies i ahve said
and the days of love i have misse
d and days of evil i have kissed

but i should not be
i should trust god
and everything he means
and everything
faith is beautifully
and calmly
i should be strong
becasue i ahve faith
and i have God to pull me through

Ya Rab pull me through and help me
i need you even thoug h
i have done too many mistakes
even though
i have done too many wrongs
ya rab i want to do a perfect right

ya rab i am not here to just get in
same idea as heaven
i am here  to get to a heaven
ya rab let it be 

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -