Saturday, June 16, 2012

Door 1: Stability

Still have so many doors to open , that I have the key to
right here in f ront of me in my hand
I have the keys to all these locked doors
ones with glass and I can see the other side
a place I wana reach
keys to metal doors , ones I do not knOw whats behind but I can see rays of sun and feel the heat on the metal, it must be warm it must be shining on the other side
ones coloured, some wooden, lots old and and lots more new
particularly those old doors ones with rust, and dust I must open them to clean them to finish them to make them history
for as long theyre closed they serve to haunt me and hold me
lots of doors
so many
ones that intice me
and hold my eyes
Doors 

I have clues - I have keys to them
I can open them and I want to open them
I have the keys right here
right now
and everyday I am going to open a door
but wait - some doors , some doors must not be opened - some must stay closed but the key is not to open or close the action is easy
the secret is to know which ones to open and which ones to leave closed
its fun really
its life
its heaven or hel
and its mistakes
and challenges
but its also me
me and doors

Today: is the door of stability
I have dreams that I am going to stabilise
my dreams will be my only reason
my only way forward
the only thing I can see
the only thing  I want
everyhting else will have to wait and get in line

TOday is the door of stability  and in order for my dreams to be real, I must open the door to stability and learn this simple word
 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -