Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Lock Door 3: Ashamed

THIS DOOR IS TO BE LOCKED

Door 3: Ashamed
for many times, many years you are ashamed of a lot of things inside you, outside you, around you, within you things youve done things u ere menat to do things you forgot things you didt forget but should have

You feel ashamed a lot and everytime you walk thorugh taht door
all you see arespiderwebs heavy with images held forever in your mind
held with broken heart and feelings of - 'why did i do that - i could have done better i should have done etter i shouldnt have odone that i should have done that
i wish i did that
i wish i thought of that

I feel like im so lost walking thourgh taht door
that door is a big reduction in my progress
evreytime i walk thorugh it i have to finish a cycle and to leave end up in the start of my journey
for feeling ashamed erases feelings of happines strength hope andn love
it erases feelings of goodness and good deeds

the worst part of feeling ashamed of anything
is that its in your own hand
you are the one that could stop this one word from ever entering your life

first
 this doormust be closed
anything in the past you cannot change
you can only ask for forgiveness
more importatnly you must believe in that forgiveness

anything that you shouldnt do
dont do

anything that you must do
do and empower with kindness
not oh i have to do this boring
 no
more like
I want to do this even if hard thing
as it is important and it is worthwhile and ther is a reason behind it

like praying on time
like
 studying

I  close this door

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -