Wednesday, December 30, 2009







and Found

The Love of his Life


and created

an image


Lost from him

he had to find out



across oceans


she is there


I think I heard his voice

I think I don't know



my fantasies

& my dreams

& my impatience

& my temptations

& my dedications

to find out







Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I...must trust u

I must trust you God
For you I can only know
and you I can only be saved
I try
to solve my own dreams
and yet you come by
and help me and lift me
so high
in ideas I couldnt imagine
I didn't ask for this
and yet it is here
blind love
your love
I trust love
I trust you
I trust you God
I must
for it is such
and agony
to feel and hear
and know
yet I don't
I am
in your hands
I am
with you
if you give it to me
I will take it
If it pleases you
I will do it
if you want me to be who I am
I will be
I ...will trust you and see

I...must thank u

I feel so dispersed with intuition and sensibility, yet aromas of madness and craze scent the rooms of my heart - the scent of need comes running amidst the impatient fires of my prayers
the feelings of honey farmland amongst the cloudy sunset in the countryside of time and 7 hours away, cells of river nile water carress my skin, love cleans my family and hope begins a new day
i want to enter into a world where there is silence except the tension in african bliss running through the streets of apassion, canvassing harmony amongst feersome destiny- grazeland - trust in my man - intensity of life where latitude lifts me high into the african rural lust -
I feel like I remember going and dreaming - true dreams- yet I forget them ,and now - he's forcing me to include them in my every day thoughts - going and coming through the skies for you - I would do anything for you - for I love you and want you - somehwere - somehow - I saw you - I cant think- I feel - choked with the memory _ I can't stop - come to me - or I will come to you - fast - so fast - I feel infuriated with myself for doing this to myelf while making myself become someone else when the answer is so near it yelps- whatver happens the answers are always so easy -
I think about african stardom nights intoxicated with magical attention humming the condition that I tremble with wonder at nature and at you - I wonder about somewhere far away in the distance , that you have to travel to , that you have to get to - the answer lies in traumatic beauty of suspense - in brown desserts of oasis kisses - in affairs of the sleepless -
I am jealous of myself - I am jealous of so much pain and worry and sadness - I am afraid - of so much thought - so many aspirations - so many breaths --- taken for you

Monday, December 28, 2009

I never usually 41

I wish it would rain on me
lots and lots of rain
i wish i would get soaked
so it take everything away
all the things stuck to me
i wish it would rain so much
i would get invisible
my skin would become water
my heart would become clean

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I never usually 40

i have so much to say
but all i can say is...
i can't say anything
i must stay quiet
i must find myself
in the silence
i must find myself

I never usually 39

I cry with all my tears running inside
all these emotions of fantasy and despair
they return to make me
lost for words
if i could write as much all these numbers of tears
if i could say
i would stop to eat
and then to think
think about all the drama
suddenly appearing in my life
i feel emptiness
i feel changed
i am so difficult to change
my mind
my mind is so damn stubborn
i wish i could just rip it out
i wish so many things
but mainly i want to love God a lot
love faith a lot
love myself a lot
love the good side in me

I never usually 38

i feel something torn inside me
no matter how hard i try to forget
it clogs my future
it feels awful
it feels like its eating all my life away
all the life i spent living
someone has come taken it away
and the worse part of it all
is.... I can't tell anyone
this is a secret worth ....
worth a lot of damage
worth a lot of pain
that cannot b recovered from

I never usually 37

i love you , more than anything in this world
i love you so much it hurts to think about you
i want to be with you all the time
all the time
i want you to know me
for who i really am
i want you to stop all these people hurting me with their words
i want you to become a part of me
and I... a part of you
i love you more than anything in this world
even if we fight
even if we argue
even if we come undone
we are strong
all the time
i love you all the time
i know you all the time
you make me feel like this all the time
nothing changes
even if all the world around us does
nothing changes
i think that i'm lost right now
so lost right now
i can't find myself
so if i could find you

I never usually 36

I can't imagine what to say

the start and the end are so mixed up today


sometimes u may feel distrust towards those you most love

and adore

and need


that feeling that is so important to you

the feeling that when you fall,

they will be there with open arms to hold you,

will give you wings to fly

will wipe your tears dry

will always try

to save you

Thursday, December 24, 2009

the end

WHAt are you doing?
stop this
stop this now
stop this pain and evil thoughts
Stop this attitude this eagerness to do something bad
stop this hate and want to find out something mad
stop this
stop these thoughts
stop these words and tries
and efforts
or you will be the woman losing in the end
the end

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

I play
wicked with fate
I am late
for being here
I am wicked with sins
they win
I am a show of despair
I must repair
all the unhappinness growing lines within my soul
otherwise I fall
into applause of broken attitude
and attribute
to expense of lost time
i ryhme
for me, for you
I applause for
nothing.. but emptiness

Clock of Time

Clocks of time
where will you take me
through a play of hope
will I stay
at what cost?
clocks of time
what are your seconds
made of
sharp love
or from god above
you give moments
chosen equipment of desire
i retire
from asking
clocks of time
take me where you want me to go
where you need me to go
where god has shown you to flow

London eye - the eye of my life

So many things to see , but I can only see one thing - I can only want one thing - I can only ask for one thing - I can only be filled with one emotion - so many things to be - but I want to be 1

It's time to be white...again

From the night before , It's been snowing with desire and lustful winter wishes of a girls imagination intertwining with all the fantasies of a tired soul and cold of the heart - I imagine love under the whiteness, I also imagine hot stars - I imagine a lot of things but it seems that white comes with patience, white comes with time ,white comes with new hopes and hard work to make things right - forget the past - the past is already cast - but now changes come as more and more snow is made - and it not about to fade - now is the time to become - the shade of white

I want to become someone else yet stay the same , I want to love myself for who I am but also for the changes that i've done - I want to be white inside - I want to be happy inside - I want to be forgiving to myself I want to uptake dreams and let them be - I want to wait for love and let it be

Blankets of snow fall, I call all the pearls outside my window to forgive me, for they must hold beauty of angels frozen with the winter wonderland of the world -

I want to write before the snow melts and my heart rents
all the emotions of heat underneath the cold

right now numb to the core of happiness, my feelings of intentions are purity to remain white

white with innocence
white with decadence

white with elegance

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I don't know... I just don't know

its funny i guess

so many thoughts and dreams

and yet it all could be a road away

a couple of miles away

I came here for a reason

to get my life together

to start a new life

to love my life

and i am not doing any of those things

but i came here for other things

things i might not even know




loving myself

Loving God and faith

I don't know

I dream of cotton dresses fitting perfectly under a khartoum night blissful with family intentions and relations of love... food and stars glisten and taste of candy and watermelon in blaconies of retire... I have sides of hope and scope held in position and apposition to justify my life going right no need to be jealous or viscious - no need to be scared

no one is going to take something you own away from you

what God wants will happen

today you will not see

but it is not up to you be

to be in control of this

its up to you to control somethings ,yes

but not this and that

I wish you would understand

your emotions are like the blizzard outside , going in one direction blowing and blowing anything in their way

asking for no discussion or meaning

just throwing cold as if heat

frozen moments in a cold apartment in your heart

I wish i was in sudan

living a life of fantasy

of agony with passion and dreams coming true

dreams i make with you

handsome eyes in my mind

falling armor within my hands

finished translation with your words

untitled 1

Think about what you've done
but what you've done is gone
the future takes place , in combined response with a life of dramatic experiences
mixed with the chances given to you to check position and feelings
no one is perfect
said but the mist unperfect of glittery stars
extended magic and preowned confidence
where did the mind go?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Try again

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I want to live here

I want to live in a pinnpoint of african bliss- I want to drink tea in balconies swinging with khartoum architecture - falling in the arms of heat and beat of lustful darkness - I want to come about the bends and trends of khartoum's bedazzling streets & fashions - lost in the intention of connection with nile rivers and new shivers of winter desert - I want to sit in africa knowing that africa is mine and divine with intervention of hope- the hope inside me - I want to feel stupid with happinness -like listening to a thousand songs you love all at once - I want to write something that comes true - next year - i want to write something coming true - I want to write in africa - I want to sleep underground of despair with my family and overground with the earth of my land - dispersed shreds of the parts of my life _ i find amongst seconds , minutes and hours lost outside the boundaries of truth - outside here I feel locked in things I have to do _ in a life that I do not want - yet it is my life and i cannot regret being here - still this destruction of parts of me everywhere - is crucially the frown on my face - all the time - I want to live here - In khartoum - africa- my hometown, my birthplace, my whole life -

shooting stars a long time ago

Let me tell you something -never -have i ever -been a size 10 in my whole life

I remember laying in the garden of altayif suburban khartoum - bewildered with bewilderment - lying on the corner of my sweet fantasies that had begun - just a few days ago - still immature love growing in my veins - - flowers sweating with the nightly air - I threw the sheets of my skin, for i was hot with my new aspirations and imaginations bendingwith the savana of the streets blowing the predispostions of handsome future

Listen to the sky - my grandmother sleeping sevenly times awaiting the azans of tommorow - I was still superficially engrossed in the whispers of african bliss in tonight's romance - i was young - encapsulated by the silence of glitter above my bed -i was struck by desire to grow, passion to melt into arms of golden love, love to find - my love

and then it came - a shooting star that ran across my heart - passing through my heavenly desires and into next door- there - i didnt see myself here - - i saw myself closing my eyes when the light passed across my bed and I dreamt of what i wanted, letting it come true for I believed in you - nights of africa

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I never usually 35

What did you want to tell me!

Tell me...

What do you think?

She stared into his eyes, fearful of the powerful words stirring inside her - but that was how she felt and she could no longer hide it -

I love you


I can't describe it, it just makes me cry

so bad

i cry like i've never cried before

my heart is burned from all that people say

but escpecially from what i say

I say.... I have not tried hard enough

not now

not ever


tears roll down my face as I remember all their words

all their words


from big to small

from wise to silly

everyone thinks the same

and they are all right


Did the slap come here?


his fingers carress her cheek, gently pulling her nearer to kiss the past away -

is the pain gone now?

yes it did!

This peace, this queitness, I wish it never ends

lets stay here all the time, shall we?

we never leave!

we stay here

we dont even move

they find us here like this

locked in an embrace like this

He closes his eyes for a moment , smiling

A, I've never loved like this






everything is mixed up

I feel dizzy

I am like in a dream

don't ever wake me up

I've waited so long for you to tell me all these

it was the first day i came here

I came across you

I understood it by that very moment

understand what?

That I would fall in love with you

however hard I tried

however hard i tried to stop myself

I would never run away from you

Everything was in vain

now i know that I cannot be without you

I will never give up on you

I never usually 34

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Time is Precious

I have so much to say so I better say it before i forget and regret not saying it
Today I know that time is precious
and so because of that I am never going to waste time again
when i think about all the time I used and abused
it makes me sad - and mad
because its embarassing really
to know I have wasted such a precious gift given to me
by god who truly loves me
time is precious
and time will tell
I cannot speed time
I will never know whats happening if its not time
time is precious
if anything makes me angry with myself
its not using time correctly
its... forgetting how god gave us time
how god is responsible for your time
time is precious
and its very hard to take it back
let me rephrase that
you cannot take time back
so its time to change the way you treat time
its time to really become that person you want
its time to forget and let heal
and dont waste time ever again being sad
or lonely or afraid
or angry
or fearing... about that time in the future that you just dont know
its time to change
not again
becasue I never have thought like this
time is precious
time is young
but can get old so quickly
time is fast
so i must be faster
time is
a gift
that I have thrown away
time must be mine

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

No mirrors today

No mirrors today
For It would only portray
a girl with a broken heart
a woman with a lost start
a hope with a forgotten dream
No mirrors today
For yesterday I was paused into bewilderment
No longer am I known to my self , no longer am I in touch with my identity
I'm just ....

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -