Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I...must thank u


I feel so dispersed with intuition and sensibility, yet aromas of madness and craze scent the rooms of my heart - the scent of need comes running amidst the impatient fires of my prayers
the feelings of honey farmland amongst the cloudy sunset in the countryside of time and 7 hours away, cells of river nile water carress my skin, love cleans my family and hope begins a new day
i want to enter into a world where there is silence except the tension in african bliss running through the streets of apassion, canvassing harmony amongst feersome destiny- grazeland - trust in my man - intensity of life where latitude lifts me high into the african rural lust -
I feel like I remember going and dreaming - true dreams- yet I forget them ,and now - he's forcing me to include them in my every day thoughts - going and coming through the skies for you - I would do anything for you - for I love you and want you - somehwere - somehow - I saw you - I cant think- I feel - choked with the memory _ I can't stop - come to me - or I will come to you - fast - so fast - I feel infuriated with myself for doing this to myelf while making myself become someone else when the answer is so near it yelps- whatver happens the answers are always so easy -
I think about african stardom nights intoxicated with magical attention humming the condition that I tremble with wonder at nature and at you - I wonder about somewhere far away in the distance , that you have to travel to , that you have to get to - the answer lies in traumatic beauty of suspense - in brown desserts of oasis kisses - in affairs of the sleepless -
I am jealous of myself - I am jealous of so much pain and worry and sadness - I am afraid - of so much thought - so many aspirations - so many breaths --- taken for you

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -