Monday, May 27, 2013

May Life... never pass me by

When life passes you by
then you should cry
that you didnt do anything about it
but if you ride or die to never give up
and to push yourself through everything
and let nothing bring you down
or let no one fear you
for fear is only from God
then your life will mean something
and you will say that you could feel everything
in your heart and mind and soul
burning through the seconds
the minutes the hours
the days the years
and the one life
that you should never let pass you by
it should be caught
savored and tasted
it should be hugged
and it should be observed in detail
you should not let anything PASS
you by

for what passes cannot be returned
and life is only once
so think how many parts of your life have passed 
without attention 
without detail
without life itself in life
how many moments in life have passed meaningless 
or powerless or filled with devotion to other lives
rather than your own
and then 
when its all over and 
the calculator comes
you will see that 
you really lived so little of your life
sooooo little
it will be like maybe 
you only really lived 3 or 5 or 6 years 
the rest was not worth counting


Thursday, May 23, 2013

may I ...ruin everything for the sake of respect

Hello there,
IM the part of you that doesnt care about anything but respect
I cant see or hear or be anyone or anything when i dont recieve it
I want to be the best in all I am and I want to fight the world
for I am strong and legible , I am unfair but just , I am kind
but God I can also be really cruel , really really cruel
I'm the part of you that insists to never fall , to never crumble
and to never step down
even when battles are hard , and it seems a total failure
even when dramas are heated
never fall down , ever
so then why do you want to hide
why do you want to stop thinking

why do you want to cry later

because its never what i mean yet it always happens that i dont want it to happen that way
I hate myself for being so strong
but i cant understand how i can be me without it
if i was weak i would not be the woman i am
i dont give a shit about anything else
BUT ... then again
not giving a shit except a bout respect can ruin everything else
fuck this im angry and im strong
I dont give a shit
except about my respect
its all i got
its what my dad taight me
but he also taught me to stay out of trouble
and trouble is what i put myself in today


Monday, May 20, 2013

may I... just start again

my life is in turmoil
I am never where i want to be
i dont know is it that im unhealthy or im weak
am i just like this or have i LET myself surrender to all  that is easy
and all that is acceptable
and not dare enter what is hard and what is unacceptable

i am in the world of unacceptibility
everything i do is .... unacceptable
to me at least
i feel like

i am better than this
is life really this small that i cant get any bigger
and is it that hard that i cant get any smaller
and is it that strong that i cant bend
and is it that weak that i cant get stronger
i want to do everything
and yet i look from the window and cry
and watch the pieces of me come by and i can never succeed to catch them and fit them all together

baby..... can i just start again.. with you
talking to you
missing you
wanting you
needing you
thinking about you
being in love with you
why am I not as kind as him?
i really dont know
you said you stopped reading so should i stop writing?

to be continued.....

Sunday, May 19, 2013

may I...just SCREAM at me

I hate who I am sometimes
nothing to the grand horse high in the field looking at the sky
nothing to princesses and queens
the royal gala of impressions and the I will not do this
because its not me
me i do and then tihnk later
me I say and scream and never listen
me I say and never act
just play solitair
i never pray on time
i never even thank
the one above who GAVE me
all this kindness
who am I to decide?
to say what is right?
or wrong?
who am I to believe I know?
to say I am strong or that I am not wrong
who am i to fight the worthless
or am i the worthless that i am fighting
I hate how i do sometimes
just rolling in life as if all i know is stable
nothing is right
and nothing is wrong
and nothing is certainly stable
you may be the one eating dates for a celbration
talking like you got it all and fishing in other peoples
cuz you got it all
!"£$%^& loser
I hate what i say sometimes
how can i just

wake up one say and become
someone else/// or rather
become the me i want to become

god i am not happy
because i am too busy fishing in other peoples business
i dont even look at my own problems
that i keep eating
why dont i like someone else to talk to me about them
SHUT UP and DONT get in my business
but IIIII MEEEE can get in others EASSSILLY
and expect to be right
I hate who I am
and I hate who ive become
I dont know who I am anymore
and thus writing anything is like getting water out of stone
i miss my blog and my writing
and praying subuh on time
and eating right
and loving
and watching TV
and reading books
and having cardemon tea at 6am
and thinking of my future and ways of love and happiness
rather than


Friday, May 17, 2013

may I.... just breathe my wrongs

What if you didnt know how long you had to live and yet you keep checking
you just keep checking for you are unsure of life and you are unsure of your methods and you
are unaware of yourself and totoally and completely lost so you try find the loss in others
expand their mistakes and delve into their attidudes all the while NEVER asking the question
what mistakes do i have?
have you ever thought what if you have 27 minutes to live
and thats all you had time for to assess your time and your life
would you say you did well?
would you say it was a waste of time?
would you smile and say just forget it all im looking forward to whats next... cuz i know it will be paradise
or will you be too scared to breathe and maybe die earlier from fear that you know heat of hell is coming
or would you be unsure
maybe all this life with its ups and downs and flaws and pperfectsions will all lead to the middle of nowhere just stuck in the sky up there somewhere in the middle for even GOD
doesnt know where to put you
or maybe your life is not worth anything becuase you didnt belive it to be worth anything
or you were too busy grading others

what if you had no chance to choose but to live the next 6 hours in darkness
just no chance to choose
just no chance
and so you find you have no place but to stay in that dark hole
of life
cuz your life is in the control of others
like a punishment
life becomes a punishment
not a beautiful thing to do
what if you cant breathe
or what if you have the chance to breathe and yet you take the option of suffucating
let me just choke in other peoples imperfections
so i can never think of my own

what if you had no way of living
really like you had no way of memorising or being happy orbeing free
what if you were single facing this world when all you dream about is to be in love
what if you got your dream but you fly by or are blind or are senseless to its touch
for you are too busy looking at other peoples fallbacks are too busy ignoring your breakdowns and your problems
you cant see  the truth and you cant see how
UN elegant youve become

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

may I ?

I dont know what to do
I dont know what to say
im just so happy
im meeting my man i dont know what to say
i feel like im reconnected to a lifeline plug
been missing it for so long
i feel like my wifi is back on or my electricity
for my whole mind and bodies electrifies with thought and dreams
Stamp I hope I look good
after 19 hours of travel?
I dont think so...........

I want to be perfect
but perfect is a lifeless term
I want to be strong and weigh kindyl on his heart
and their hearts
and I hope Sudan lets me rent its land
and maybe one day buy
for I dream to live
I dream to explore
 I dream to question every and each corner of its mud and earth
and i dream to be vivid
and wise and clean and
and beautiful
I dream to be young and feel young
I dont want to ever stop
I dont want to ever regret
and I know i iwll only regret if I dont work hard enough
and i know I will only not work hard enough if i let the devil break me
and i know the devil will only break me if I am not faithful enough and in touch with god
and i know if i am not in touch with god then i am not in touch with myself
and i know if i am not in touch with myself
then beauty is a far far away dream

Home take me back
pelase dont hate me for missing you
and let me reunite with my creative existence
the one that you dont need so much to live  by
but you need a lot of hope
and I should have a lot of

to be conntinued

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -