Sunday, May 19, 2013

may I...just SCREAM at me

I hate who I am sometimes
nothing to the grand horse high in the field looking at the sky
nothing to princesses and queens
the royal gala of impressions and the I will not do this
because its not me
me i do and then tihnk later
me I say and scream and never listen
me I say and never act
just play solitair
i never pray on time
i never even thank
the one above who GAVE me
all this kindness
who am I to decide?
to say what is right?
or wrong?
who am I to believe I know?
to say I am strong or that I am not wrong
who am i to fight the worthless
or am i the worthless that i am fighting
I hate how i do sometimes
just rolling in life as if all i know is stable
nothing is right
and nothing is wrong
and nothing is certainly stable
you may be the one eating dates for a celbration
talking like you got it all and fishing in other peoples
cuz you got it all
!"£$%^& loser
I hate what i say sometimes
how can i just

wake up one say and become
someone else/// or rather
become the me i want to become

god i am not happy
because i am too busy fishing in other peoples business
i dont even look at my own problems
that i keep eating
why dont i like someone else to talk to me about them
SHUT UP and DONT get in my business
but IIIII MEEEE can get in others EASSSILLY
and expect to be right
I hate who I am
and I hate who ive become
I dont know who I am anymore
and thus writing anything is like getting water out of stone
i miss my blog and my writing
and praying subuh on time
and eating right
and loving
and watching TV
and reading books
and having cardemon tea at 6am
and thinking of my future and ways of love and happiness
rather than


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -