Friday, May 17, 2013

may I.... just breathe my wrongs

What if you didnt know how long you had to live and yet you keep checking
you just keep checking for you are unsure of life and you are unsure of your methods and you
are unaware of yourself and totoally and completely lost so you try find the loss in others
expand their mistakes and delve into their attidudes all the while NEVER asking the question
what mistakes do i have?
have you ever thought what if you have 27 minutes to live
and thats all you had time for to assess your time and your life
would you say you did well?
would you say it was a waste of time?
would you smile and say just forget it all im looking forward to whats next... cuz i know it will be paradise
or will you be too scared to breathe and maybe die earlier from fear that you know heat of hell is coming
or would you be unsure
maybe all this life with its ups and downs and flaws and pperfectsions will all lead to the middle of nowhere just stuck in the sky up there somewhere in the middle for even GOD
doesnt know where to put you
or maybe your life is not worth anything becuase you didnt belive it to be worth anything
or you were too busy grading others

what if you had no chance to choose but to live the next 6 hours in darkness
just no chance to choose
just no chance
and so you find you have no place but to stay in that dark hole
of life
cuz your life is in the control of others
like a punishment
life becomes a punishment
not a beautiful thing to do
what if you cant breathe
or what if you have the chance to breathe and yet you take the option of suffucating
let me just choke in other peoples imperfections
so i can never think of my own

what if you had no way of living
really like you had no way of memorising or being happy orbeing free
what if you were single facing this world when all you dream about is to be in love
what if you got your dream but you fly by or are blind or are senseless to its touch
for you are too busy looking at other peoples fallbacks are too busy ignoring your breakdowns and your problems
you cant see  the truth and you cant see how
UN elegant youve become

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -