Monday, May 20, 2013

may I... just start again

my life is in turmoil
I am never where i want to be
i dont know is it that im unhealthy or im weak
am i just like this or have i LET myself surrender to all  that is easy
and all that is acceptable
and not dare enter what is hard and what is unacceptable

i am in the world of unacceptibility
everything i do is .... unacceptable
to me at least
i feel like

i am better than this
is life really this small that i cant get any bigger
and is it that hard that i cant get any smaller
and is it that strong that i cant bend
and is it that weak that i cant get stronger
i want to do everything
and yet i look from the window and cry
and watch the pieces of me come by and i can never succeed to catch them and fit them all together

baby..... can i just start again.. with you
talking to you
missing you
wanting you
needing you
thinking about you
being in love with you
why am I not as kind as him?
i really dont know
you said you stopped reading so should i stop writing?

to be continued.....

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -