Queit reflections 1

sitting in a silent library in the desert one imagines life to be still
no movement except the quick fans that disperse air to cool me
and the sound of my fingertips accessing the world
I ask myself - why do I hate myself so much?
when life certainly doesnt hate me
I ask myself - cant you see that everything falls into place?
like this beautiful queit reflection of joy
nobody but me
am I really that ugly I cannot even sit with myself?
I wonder why I feel so bruised and unable to enjoy who I am

I realise
i cannot forgive myself
I realise
I delay being happy
I realise
I cannot allow myself
the pleasure of being faithful
I realise
I cannot allow myself
the pleasure of being with faithful
I realise
I cannot breathe easily because im filled with negativity
I realise
these days I havnt smiled because I break everything good down
until it becomes fragments of pieces I cannot understand


quiet reflections is what I need
and this is the beginning in an african library
no one beside me except my destruction
and my challenge to heal myself
for no one can convince me
that im the luckiest happiest woman in the world
if I dont believe so

even if its true