Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Queit reflections 1

sitting in a silent library in the desert one imagines life to be still
no movement except the quick fans that disperse air to cool me
and the sound of my fingertips accessing the world
I ask myself - why do I hate myself so much?
when life certainly doesnt hate me
I ask myself - cant you see that everything falls into place?
like this beautiful queit reflection of joy
nobody but me
am I really that ugly I cannot even sit with myself?
I wonder why I feel so bruised and unable to enjoy who I am

I realise
i cannot forgive myself
I realise
I delay being happy
I realise
I cannot allow myself
the pleasure of being faithful
I realise
I cannot allow myself
the pleasure of being with faithful
I realise
I cannot breathe easily because im filled with negativity
I realise
these days I havnt smiled because I break everything good down
until it becomes fragments of pieces I cannot understand

quiet reflections is what I need
and this is the beginning in an african library
no one beside me except my destruction
and my challenge to heal myself
for no one can convince me
that im the luckiest happiest woman in the world
if I dont believe so

even if its true

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -