Friday, May 29, 2015

I am a brilliant app

All over again? My own fault? My bad memories my strengths my fears my weaknesses? What about my laziness my despair my wish to be that oneand yet doing nothing about it

When i saw her today i remembered our tutorials and how 1 day i was the best i certainly felt it but today although i was there i wasnt there in soul for deep down i was troubled my own setbacks , not her successes 

3 years - my brain cells slowly wither away fir i have not used them

I also felt powerful today. I knew things wven though those were not backed up except 3 years ago- so i imagined whatwould happen if i had backed it up

I am choosing differently
I am trying
How many choices yeaterday and today
Whole burger meal but not 279 hamburger
Not too many not too many
I thought that curved jacket was gorgeous
A real treat
I am proud of myself for finding it
I still have 5 days to go
And 30 to lose
And clouds to learn
And things i already have that i should use
My battery will cut on my phone
And sowill the battery one day in my geart but until then...
I am and i am and i am a beautiful smart woman like a brilliant app but just underused 

When i 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -