Wednesday, May 7, 2014


where do  I  begin
I am silent from talking cuz I just want to rip my mind and thoughts out
and even tho i  dont speak i can hear the clanging of devils in my head
its too noisy inside


I wanna break free, from all this pain i havei nside
from all these insecurities
even just the second i actually shut upped
I feel my words flooding in paper and not on tongue
my tongue is burning
with bad options

my heart is bleeding with others

I have no justice for what im doing
I have no memories of where im going

just flowing

against the current
and even though the future is beautiful
I am an untamed monster

like a blasphemy of the innocent

there is no goodness within me

used to be unavoidable with goodness
but now theres no way birds would chirp on my shoulder

spots everwhere
on my face,
on my actions
on my sentences
on my freedom
such blots I cant even breathe

where to start cleaning
where to try living

so many resources plugged

all plugged with sewage

of just blurting out hte first thing that comes to my mind
and the first thing is always ugly never a good circle inside me

always selfish
always mean

I am literally tired from being a mean woman

from being a hard person
from being a difficult human being
and who am i destroying with that hardship

noone but me?

for I am just tired with others
others when you think aobut it
they have won the game
for i do nothing but worry about others
about others
always talking aobut others
she did the right thing
and a dinner party to prove it
and she actually meant it
should i do a dinner party
i would have to do thousands of them


when was the last time I said that
just so busy with everything else
just so busy with all i have to say
like its my job to filter out the bad in people
the weak in onthers
never myself
there is nothing wrong with me

nothing bland with me
nothing dark or unflowered

all chirpy

celery LOVE it
never knew it existed

like I dont know if the woman inside me
exists no more/?

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -