Friday, November 29, 2013

she dreamt of a devil...

where is this road im so desperate to walk on
never quitting to find ...but the severity slopes
is it a high road? a long road? a wide road? or a road that doesnt exist?
im looking for the road where i am happy, sure of myself, proud, strong, innocent, pure, kind
yes on wither side there are flowers and plants and high trees covering me from wrong existence or worse.. useless time
this road has meaning - the one im searching for
has smooth black surfaces with clear directions where to go
stop signs to pray on time and hotel signs to sleep right and eat healthy
it has all the right speeds and all the right directions to take you exactly where you want to go
which is heaven
yes I want to go to heaven
looking for the road to take me
since im certain im certainly not on the right track
she dreamt her daughter and she saw a devil
my mind leaks to a scarier image..
I am the .. one they fear

not being dramatic but my mind asks the questions
have my actions been any less than a devils drive?
have they been any better than a devils promise?
what am i? but the follower of something tragic
 the details of something pathetic
I must be better
have things that others dont have
i must talk about being better
and act about being better
never genuine about being better

god its sooooo strange
how beautiful a woman I was just a short while ago
a second ago, a year ago
memories of robbers, of drunks, and of possible bombers!

but there were also memories of yaseen every morning before the train
the olympics being on and the queen coming to visit... and I forgetting the fireworks and just praying to Allah
he was my fireworks

was it all about nothing?
was it just a dream?
can I really not be a good person if Im not in the place im not in?

must I always be waiting for a different place
to achieve the truth?
I wonder how close that devil is to me?
that she saw in her dreaM?
sometimes I think it was mine and got bored of me
went to play with the minds of others

for I feel so held back
so lost
so tormented by inability to achieve
to love Allah the right way
to be comfortable with who i am
to adore what i have achieved
and to pray to acheive better
to be content with what i have
to want more only on what is on the road to heaven
want more of prayer, tasbeeh, love, honesty, patience, study, honour and

I have lost the touch of sensuality
that woman praying so beautifully in a UK star night
from a small apartment
and the Queen so near...
that girl ...
is burning into ash


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -