Friday, November 29, 2013

The golden secret

no longer a secret>?
but wait

for me a spray of this golden liquid is a poweful transclucency into the mesmerising past
a past drowned like the titanic , thousands of miles down in the years of time and yet its very delicious name brings meaning back as if it all just happened  today...
there is no going back , no making it all alive again, no living it all again
there is only the waft of remembering , the peace of existing in my own memory through a spray
of the 5 number to history - I am portaled into an existence that opens up my pores and makes me linger to become a queen... a Sudanese Queen
only I know that magical secret
only I know its the key to a beautiful dream - as glorious as  the sensational titanic
the way in the movie the sun pours throught the blackness and the pine wood of deck chairs and sun doors gleams exploding with freshenss and magnificence
noone knows this bottle is the golden secret that opens the sundoors to my grandmothers veranda
wardrobes locking treasures , kitchen cupboards holding english earl grey with rose drawn teacups and sterling silver, imported only to her evening tea tray , jam eaten with scrambled egg... a divine intervention, cadburys cocoa transported to my grandmothers freezer - unique brown royal to Sudan, fresh homemade custard, glistening yellow waiting for dessert at 2pm maybe with jelly, maybe with cream - and Chanel no 5 - always the last thing from a Heathrow airport - a bottle of chanel no 5
her perfume of life, of love, of elegance,and of knowledge that there is a better world - a sweeter world , an elegant world, a magical world, a world of bliss, and calm, a world of meaning, and submergence in all that is Good.
so it is a secret
the spray of a chanel no 5 - a powerful secret only I know about
the golden liquid the link between I and my grandmother... another secret in my heart

(waiting to be beautiful, elegant, intoxicating, and secretive)... to be continued

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -