Friday, December 13, 2013

18 days to forever

They laugh out loud and all is well
washing dishes for the big day, today is a good day
inshallah
I sauna my worries away
although they cling on to me they just wanna stay
around me and halo me instead
of an angel
they say angels are on a bride
I dont feel like I have any on me
probably true
that i dont have any , they all run away from this unfaithful disaster
 nagwa didnt come today
my skin is in a deep worry
layers and layers of yesterday
dark and twisted like the story of a misunderstood fairytale
my fairytale
its all coming true
all coming real
and yet i feel like..... steel
tough and solid
but not that kind of tough and solid
the one where the amjad driver marries 3 because of your kind
tough and solid
...ugly
I say there is no ugly woman
but I am
...ugly
filled with commotion and wrong distributions of red hot blood
like a devil in my system
unabke to write a case about myself
never mind others
..history repeats itself
dissapointment
and delay
of beauty in the mind
no
just repetition of laziness
and  a mindless mind
 I am alone
sometimes its good
like the times I was in the UK living next to the Queen feeling like a Queen
and sometimes its bad
jsut all alone in a house filled with people that are never close to me
and only I rely on me
im doing well
turning the brakes on and trying to stop the titanic from hitting the iceberg
reversing the pull gear
theres no time to go slow
but melting in the vapour helps
and chlorine isnt all that bad
I miss my friend
she is no longer with me
dont know what i did wrong
maybe demanding and persuasive like jewelery
but I only wanted the best thing
never meant to be so far away from my faith
an existence i hate .. heavy word
no milk in the freezer
but there is no whiteness inside me either
Doctor....
its just an opinion
1000,1000 and 500 pieces of 2500 parts of me going to a million houses
my name... in a million houses
all expecting to see me
.... shine
but I am a dusken loss of paradise in a fishy world
a voice blunt with fear
dont care about the exam
... I linger into madness
.............. and there are only 18 days to forever

 
 
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -