Saturday, December 28, 2013

a new day

Like a new white page that has just been opened
fresh from the past and glittering with promises
my heart runs with adrenaline seconds that will become a lifetime
its a wise moment - watching yourself become someone else

All is beautiful, I try and forget the ugly
All is wise, I ask to make haste with the dumb
for some can be like north is to south from elegance
but I want it to be on my left hand.... elegance

strange to have to sit in
but all of a sudden relaxation swifts by and I hear true music
and feel honest love
no need to be for it is done

Like an ocean washing memories away
and leaving the sand crisp at the bay
to be footprinted on whichever way
We choose

for I has become Us
and me has become him
and myself is invisible
without our

not like me to not know what to say
but the words have all run away
into the past like the way my soul has been shocked
a dream come true , all these thousands of people
coming to evidence me.. into a new era of my life

I stand at the window and see my fate put in the hands of another
not like me to be crucially un involved
a lesson? a blessing?
that life is not the way I think/// at all

bullets fly in the air
happy seconds , really flying seconds
all the people I love loving me back
even though i dont deserve

Ya Allah .... I am lost
and wanna be found
I am tired and wanna be awake
I am weak and want to be strong
I think im strong but im really ......not
so weak to emotions
so powerless to enjoy time

I once wrote my title as lost under control
I realise I am totally out of control
trying so hard to be in control of everything
but really its a part of insecurity
and  just brings misery
to be so tempted to decide everything
yesterday made me understand
its important to be lacking control sometimes

I felt like the world was mine and perfect
felt like the reasons for living were correct
and the choices for a bright future were honest
I felt nothing wrong
felt like the sun was falling down on a treasure
a new golden bond

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -