Sunday, December 29, 2013


feeling like a drama queen, without the drama
lost and insane in the insides of my mind calm outside
others scream for me unintentional loudness
without a necessary cause

its all ....useless

all pointless
and so  I become lifeless
making myself ill

the day went terribly wrong
and there was no way out
like the wicked queen who held all the reigns of her castle
from the wonderful fairies
that wanted to achieve a gem in the gem of their territory
but the gem was empty from the slavery of her conduct
for the ruler of the kingdom who treated all ... terribly
a woman divorced from kindness
in that very moment of day

not like her
or is it>?
I think shes always been like that
but in small doses
so should I blame her?
it is her way
like I
stubborn arrogant and ignorant
genetically framed ?
or truly a mean person?
I dont know
All I know is
I Wish I was different

and i know she means well but instead
shes just really mean and she does it well

whats the point in having a white heart if no one can see it?
or in having a strong charachter if everyone gets beaten by it instead of saved
whats the point in being wise if the words are split by anger and come out deaf
in being good if the day went bad
youve been preparing for this for such a long time
and ... you failed

big time
and deep down im dissapointed in you and myself for believing in you
and worst in the way I should have put my trust in others who were kinder and sweeter and better but you didnt give them a chance and I trusted you.. so i didnt give them a chance either
feel like I have no clue no morethere is a fragile scene
one big chance to make it all perfect
all up to you to make it all perfect
life runs still as the kingdom is in her hands
and .... the population awaits to see her kindness
but a little bit of the dark witch appears
wanting magic but giving a a black plate
no, nothing, no one could say she was the right one
everything was short from my dearest loved one
and I felt I wwish I could scream
but I was locked in a room
like a treasure
now i feel without shine
for the whole day was .... priceless
without the real meaning
literally just a priceless day

except the part where all the control of my life went to someone else....

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -