Friday, December 13, 2013

The last time to use the picture

The last time
there is a last time for everything
sometimes you dont know it
like that was the last time i saw the old man
or that was the last time Ill ever be the same
or this is the last time i ll ever use this picture
used it for Light
it reminded me of a young girl so tormented in life
although her white soft skin could write miracles
but instead she ended up writing a far away village like Afghanistan maybe...
without the blue and the gun shot
Light... a girl who was forced to be  a woman in a child
so wrongly I wish I could beat them all over it
but i can do nothing about it
for she is wicked to me and she is angry at me and the world
like me... except I am angry at myself
I dont know what she thinks
maybe shes lucky
maybe shes happy for a while
but I know shes in a prison surrounded by these green walls
of lostt transparancy and a beautiful grandmother
maybe she would have saved us all
 no one speaks well of him and i notice there is no Allah irhamu
I know he deserves it I only find a rough spot when i think of him for he had no mercy and
no love
but no one whos passed away deserves that so Allah Irhamu wa Igfir leehu
time heals all even though I havnt felt it
Last time I saw the girl in they yello cardigan
fate meant us to meet and part at exactly the same time
instant of seconds it was all the last time
a coincidence
travelling continents airports and substances of lives meeting each other only similiar at 72 beats per minute and 12 breaths per minute to meet for the very first and last time
yellow cardigan girl she was like rotten rats inside
and nobody knew
nobody knew

that was the last thursday
and that was the last time I ever saw my room the same
life changes
and if you dont accept it  - it tears you open as you are pulled forwards and back at the same time
this is exactly what is happening to me

when will it be the last time to live at war? and feel so much pain?

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -