Friday, December 13, 2013

wish I could just erase my soul and start writing it again

I wish i had a big rubber to erase them into white
always erasing them into white
winter white.. that golden dantelle that I fight about in my head with a priceless girl
but jasmine is expensive... I just cannot see it
its me that is worth nothing
not even a penny
wanna say the same thing again
he gives me strange advice running over the nile
nearly making an accident
I ask Allah to save me
Forgot about Allah a long time ago
but he suddewenly races through my heartbeat
cuz I wanna live
Please Allah dont let him hit us!
please let me get out safe!
I do get out safe
without a thread on me
and suddenly its back to promising myself to feel awful
as if I didnt just feel on top of the world
today is Friday the 13th and I don't wanna mention it in my condolence of memory
and weakness
I beg for nothing to happen
Ya Allah let nothing happen because I realise 13 is my lucky number but I've done everything to make it unlucky!! 
but 2013 had been amazing
and with 18 days to go
there is nothing to ask no more
my nails are sore
wanna know everything that I could possibly know
and yet I never seem to know anything
like a cloud of misery
they say hes sick 
Dont really know him but I know hes counting the days
feel sorry for myself I cant see that we can be similiar
dont want to feel like that ........ever
and yet  I feel like it everyday

wanna be a new woman every second living like the old one
dont have the money ?
dont have the time?
dont have the strength
dont have the knowledge
im a creature bald with arrogance
I am
a primitive female

wish I was covered by something

(feeling like a homeless person in winter of Sudan)
wishing there was that tropical heat once more
always wishing what I dont have/////

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -