Sunday, October 6, 2013

No more

ive never felt so shallow like this in my whole entire life
never felt to brutal to myself
never considered myself as an enemy
never stabbed myself in the back... falling like the tower that never would fall

I feel...

angrywith who I am
could be better always
should be
never is and is

always probable
never defiinite
always dissapointing never achieving
always a pass never a distinction

and now i upset the nearest to me
and myself above all
never holding a promise
never asking why do I have such a broken heart
and yet
I beg Allah for forgiveness for i hear his forgiveness is greate rhtan all my sins combined
and I beg Allah to look after me for I am not looking after myself
and I hold my hands and look to the Sudanese Sky and find freedom and ask Allah to give me some of that
and i beg Allah for his sanctionary of soul in this sanctioned beauty
always  I will feel prisoner if I am being like this

tell me is it too late to start again??for I Really feel im walking alone in the battlefield
and letting the devils fight me and win me
and letting my soul be taken like Phalestinian Land
and letting my heart be tormented like Guantanamo prisoners
and letting my mind be forgotten like being in a coma
and letting my body be neglected like the poorest homeless beggar

Ya Allah... IM really tired of who Im turning into I want to be ...better and certainly stronger and most certainly more in love with my faith
for ive forgotten you and everything about you and all good wthin me and all meaning inside me
Ya Allah it doesnt make sense im just like a robot ... unprogrammed and senseless
no feelings inside me I walk and travel and have no intentions or strength of a muslim woman no more
Ya Allah please help me change myself for you say you will only help if youre ready to help yourself

I am
ready to help myself
no more interests in anything but myself (in a secure, kind way)
no more wasting time
no more sleeping while people pray
no more unhoping
no more feeling like You are not with me
You are
my God you are

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -