Sunday, September 20, 2015

im tired

Oh dear ... hes so bright and happy and Im just an unstable mess
my head hurts and mind wavers and wanders into emptiness
I feel tired
not like I normally aim
I feel aimless goalless
just plain tired
I feel like for once Ill never get this job
I feel pointless
I even feel big without meaning
just a heavy block of somebody walking and I just hate everyone around me
i even hate myself
i want to shout
I want to scream
im tired
and im afraid
but more importantly am angry
but its all weakness
for my anger hasnt produced anything
im still the big empty womanless, jobless woman i am
and i feel like everyone is taking advantage of me
for that was a secretarys job
not mine
but hey it doesnt matter
and I want to do things but i never do
so someone has to tell me to do them
someone has to make me do them
like a child i guess
for im just like a child
lets do this and lets do that and lets bring this and lets bring that
for i cant think for myself
at this moment in time
im tired
im very tired
and i hate myself for having it all and not feeling any of it
in this moment in time
lost and must control\?


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -