Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Feeling never good enough

Feeling down 
Feeling like ive won the battle but not the war
Am i selfish
Am i gentle
Am i a strong one
Am i bitter
Am i honest
Thus like to be honested with
Am i heart
No mind
Am i all emotion
No good feelings
Am i happy
Am i just a fool
Am i a queen
Or am i a slave?
Am i protected
Or am i disconnected
Am i broken
Or am i lost
Do i wish upon a star
Or do i wish all weong
Is my heart like this molted steel case withiut even a key , where a key would never open this far away heart
No youd have to melt it and be careful where lava wouldnt be hot enough wouldbt be kind enough
Wouldnt be good enough
Im not good enough

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -