Sunday, July 29, 2012

Day 10 - confused instead of peacefull in every cell

Day 10
I am confused
messed up in my thoughts
my heart and soul and mind and body are each in a different place
and yet i want to be one girl can i?

 no way
ill just end up with a broken life

i must bring t hem all together
i know my faith is the only thing that will definiteyl do that

nothing else can intervene
i want oter thhings yes
sometimes my inner self beats and i dream
of doing wrong things
of chasing things in this world
and then i think of the other side
the calm peaceful confident knowingful girl
and i get embarrased i cant do the best in here or there
my work s hsattered
my heart is bruised
my soul feels guilty all the time
my ears hurt
my eyes are trying to mend
and my body is tryinh to look good

i am in too many pieces
cant u see?

a sentence im off
a scene and im gone
a story and im lost
a song and im in love

its all wrong

hope dance for you
live like ur gona die tomoro but also that your gona live forever
be happy dont let thesechains bring you down
you want so many things
you can have htem all
you never know
do you/
?
but dont let the bad side of you get you down 
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -