Thursday, June 19, 2014

Ya Allah , a new way

am scared
to have everything and nothing at the same time
to be the last to be wronged
to be...flawed
I wanted it to be simple but something is .... off
a tiny bit of hope flickers inside but its just not there
I dont want to disturb the natural order of peace
but im at war
with myself
why is it like this?
what is wrong?
try again?
examples in my life keep popping up
it hurts to think of them
I just try convince myself im nowhere near them

Ya Allah I really need you
I dont want to be in this position
please help me and change it all
Ya Allah
Im glad i thought of it yesterday
and im glad i did it
even though it was hot and stuffy

a tiny bit of hope flickers inside
i promise myself i will no longer be the same.....
advanced creature of impatience
or the same useless woman
just so superficial

for i do believe
and i do understand
it is not up to me
no matter what i do

life is all up to God
and i just act
i could act bad
and i could act good
and i could act mad
or sad
or normal
or in denial
or hopeful

Ya Allah
I will change my strategies
and i will change my tragedies
to good things

please help me though , please

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -