Monday, June 23, 2014

wish i was never me

A mistakeful plan
so unaware of my reality
i shatter into a tragedy from my
silly tongue
my burning words
and my hurting insanity
a young girl
so naive
so ...unreal
until i get beaten down
wish i didnt talk
wish i didnt wish
wish i wasnt here

today is not a good day
no words are spoken
and i barely hold on
feeling so alone
feeling so bad
like a caused something bad to happen
without intending
here icannot be stubborn
for its like hitting on a hammer
but i deserve
for i took his happiness away

i blame the government
everything is so wrong here
so how can it not affect me?

I blame history
people who i cant shake
and it makes my heart a misery
almost like theres no space for myself to console
i have to think of them
i have to involve them
even though

they make me an urgent mess
I am a mess
hate being confronted by these and those
people already filling my gaps
and im unable to become superficial
to become better
for sometimes i fear that deep down

 no amount of henna will make me stronger

wish i was queiter
wish i was richer
in intelligence and money
and body
but wish i was cheaper
in emotions
i hate my emotions
they make me ...poor

I just feel
like i abandoned myself
dissappointing myself
wish i could shut up when i need to
and stay silent and sexy like those actors do at the right moment

wish i was never

wish i was never me

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -