Saturday, June 7, 2014

faded

I miss being healthy
can you miss something you never where?
I miss being happy with every single small thing i have cellular
miniscule
can you miss something you never did
I miss being in touch with every small part of me , knowing exactly the mechanisms of me , knowing precisely all that is within me, all that works for me and in me
can you miss something you never felt?
I miss doing things that are well and good
I miss saying things that are nice and kind
I miss being something that is treasureful
but can you miss something you never were?
I miss being excited, being wonderful
miss being undramataic
soulful rather than rumourful
I miss thinking about me in a me way
but can you miss something you never saw?
I never saw me excited wonderful, proud, kind, rumourless, undramatic, sweet, intelligent, and ...kind

can you become strong after the fade?
can you become coloured after all your substance faded?


to be continued
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -