Saturday, June 7, 2014

in denial

Obfuscation is the hiding of intended meaning in communication , making communication confusing willfully ambiguous and harder to interpret

he sat across from me and i sat besides her feeling like the room couldnt be smaller
all my thoughts unable to communicate how i felt
wanting to scream, wanting to shout, wanting to throw his mobile in the ground and shatter it into a million pieces
wanting to never say a single word
wanting to become the judge of my own life
wanting to ask...just who do you think y ouare you selfish coward
but all i could do was act obfuscated
lost in translation
looking at fathers killing their children out of insanity and finding that funny
I asked myself
is it really funny?
poor jasmine
laughing at her pain
I dont like who i am and i keep obfuscating the denial of cheapness within me
i keep pretending i am the good one when maybe im not
really im not
im weak
and im mean
and im angry
dont know why really
but all i know is
im getting nowhere

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -