Wednesday, September 3, 2014

the wrong choices...from a left hander 1

I just wanted to say... Ive never felt so intimidated by anyone in my whole entire life. I suddenly had the urge to... bleed. All my past away. for I felt in that instance that i was the only reason for all my pain ain... largeness in life. For a plit second i really hated who iwas more than i could ever have. and i really wished i wasnt there. all i could thinkk about was/.// elegance that i hadnt achieved and love that i hadnt created within myself. how i really felt ugly and i really was. for a moment life paused and i could feel and taste and hear but i couldnt think or speak. i wasnt allowed even for i felt permission was refused by superiority of.... ability and she was able while i was not. Pure.... first and thirld world ranks i felt. I was from poverty. My whole insides were screaming with hunger although I havnt felt hunger for a very long time meaybe never , never inadequately anyway. never never been around food. always with me somehnow - and today i was surrounded and yet i was so alone. I felt.... stupid and silly for being there. because i was unfitting, the wrong jigsaw piece. the broken glass piece that wont fit back in the right place. all bits off. all parts heavy. all mistakes clear/ I could infiltrate thoughts.. God thats a bit too big. strange I had thought of that order - before her in my deep mind somewhere int he place where I still havnt ... created/ but I went for the wrong choice always.

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -