Tuesday, September 16, 2014

deeply wounded

I cant remember the last time I actually vowed to do something and actually

i havnt done something in a while

i havnt been commited
or strong

and yet my dreams suffocate me
trying to explode


and  I still want to contain them

and yet i am here
with all this chance


escpecially today to be happy

but i am also tired of who i am

i cant believe im jealous ofwrong people

i cant believe i put myself in these danger zones

she cycles to her class

and i

dont even bother opening my praying mat on time

she is more dedicated than i am
she is more faithful than i am
in things that she does

isnt she the reflection i want to be
jsut a different edition
a better one

and the other one

cutting up courgettes like they were diamonds

and  i
just watch
wondering where the trust is coming from
where the lack of ego is coming from

i realised today im not a kind person
beginnign with myself
i realised today
i need help
but i looked in al lthe wrong reasons

i realised today

i am not anywhere near who i want or need or can be

no i
a pathetic woman
and ...
persuasive and demanding


history is true and never incorrect
and i am couched in sorrow just like on this couch
and i am

sorry for myself


No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -