Saturday, September 20, 2014

a revalation.....

I press frantically to try get the page to open new post for I have so much kindness to say ad before it goes i have to type
I want to say thank you allah for bringing me here because i know you were kind to me and brought me where i could survive - where i could learn and where i could come to exist alone and yet with you
you brought me here for a reason and I think i know
to become a better me
to share
with you and him and others new
and to share with myself
all the details of growing up of making mistakes of being someone im not proud of and of being someone i am
I met people here that I am learning from
how to ... appreciate small things in life
like cutting up courgettes
I learnt that i am a better human being than i thought
but at times i can be devious , ugly and bitter
and worse of all////weak
i can be weak to let that horrible part of me succeed
and that sad part within me monsterise
but today i realiseed something
that no matter what
i am the better , i am good and that part always reign
i realised i dont hate people who have hurt me
i am deeply heartbroken by their actions and when i let that in - it hurts but it also soothes to know i am better than hating
i realised i can push myself to do something i am scared to do
like be there for 7 am where my heart will beat faster
i understand that i miss him deeply and all my actions hurt when im away
but i know that when i see him
i will fall in love a million times stronger and better and

in a silent house in the middle of nowhere but near the sea ...close enough to see the water and hear the ships
I suddenly realise that i am a good muslim
that i do love allah
and that he is close to me
for the the worst of times
and the lonliest ofthem
he makes it instantly alright
i am with him and he is with me

is with me

and i am the strongest
in this alienated space
this house that is and is not mine at the same time
for this is my space
and yet when i look around i miss my samsung tv and clean linen , flowered and sandalwooded with tradiiton
i miss my red kitchen


I am better than who i am and who i was
and i am cleaner than who i think and
i can believe to get what i want and what i need

when god wills

I am here
i exist
and i am near to everthing that i need
no matter how far it seems

I have prayed for time to run and it will
i have prayer for things to work out and they will
i have asked for special gifts and i know they will come
i have begged to be forgive and i know that he will

Y a RAb
lets begin again


No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -