Tuesday, August 12, 2014

dark desires & peaceful intuitions 1

She - I dont know what she is but I am forced to interpret that sheis a breathing empty vessael, a woman anatomically but a demonised structure, abnormally moving and talking
words dangerous if she knew
her life is a lack of productive numbered walks and breaths
for she will never amount to anything except an addition to a hateful persona
that I just hate
but here I am
cornered and for once unable to actually say what i want
its funny I know I can say a couple of things ormaybe even more
for I always know what to say
and how I can say it
and dont care what it does when its on the outside
but here I am

I remember Gods meaning
- do not speak of Allah or religion if there is a chance that the other person can insult it , because of their ignorance'
and I know this is truly correct here
but also

I relaise
I am utterly powerless
for my thoughts are the opposite of her thoughts
and her mind is a landmine that I never want to enter
but then again so is mine

I am disgusted
I am blinded by the utter madnes of the world
and how the devil spins it
makes terrible things seems alirght
makes ignorance beautiful
makes shadows appear focused
and makes the strong weak

for I know what i believe in and I know Allah is mine and I am his

I feel like I want to get out of here for I did not travel thousands of miles across oceans and timedifference
to meet this ... she

but I find myself in a small town
unable but to wait for her to finish her unfathomable darkness of belief to me

and i ask myself
why are you here?
there must be a lesson
for Allah wouldnt put me here for no reason except to test me

and really
I think again
are they not all taking to the same result
like wesay
death is the same but the causes are different
hell is all the same but the reasons for entry are different

 i think about what ive left behind
people who I am dissapointed in and relatives who disgust me
lyers and cheaters and dramatic stealers
of money and time
and rippers of family
and trust


and i think of her

disgusting revolting madness
unwilling or willing unknowing of the sheet conclusion
to her fate
and health
and loss of a soul damned in hell

and I think of me

why am I so clever to think of others when i cannot think and fault me/
I have faults
i have sins
and i have troubles

so where am I?
and who am I?
and if I am so smart to know what GOd thinks of others
do I know what he thinks of me/?


to be continued?


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -