Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Why? Why?

What to write when u dont know what ur feeling
What to say when you dont know what u mean
What to do when u reach a point ur so disconnected within yourself you just become
What to make of it when ur inner voice is loud
Its strange noone else can hear it
Its strange that u can deal with it
What to believe when u dont know what to imagine
The step before the step is missing in my heart
Everything makes me sad
Everything makes me feel broken
But the worse part is
I feel lost
I feel left tormented by my own worries and mistakes
By my own lack of decisions
By my own lack of movement and and this feeling of stuck i cant get iut if
People behind me are teying to push me
But im too heavy
Am too ... Wrong
Too wrong 
Too astray
Imagine walking in a desert and knowing ur going the wrong way u know 
U can feel the heat and see the depth of emptiness ahead of you
But u just keep on walking
Do you
Do you....

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -