Wednesday, October 7, 2015

(1) start by..... admitting that I am un - me

That things need to change
that your suffocating within the mirrors of LED and scrolling
that your phone and facebook and all the things that are normal and beautiful but you use till intoxication are ..... breaking you
like virus computer filling your empty healthy space inside and anything that should work normally
has to attach with them through them
Ifeel like i was born with my phone
if that waas the case it would be ok but Allah did not give us a phone to live with and therefore it should not be a crucial part of my existence
being with me in my darkest and brightest of times
in my important hours and in my dreams and thoughts and fingertips
as if there is nothing else to hold or to be with
nothing else to own and cherish but ..... a few applications
my eyes tremble
my fingers tremble
my mind is like a scattered mindfield
unable to hold any information
or any drama for that matter
for if its not my phone
its my games on computer
playing ...mahjong 
which is just so wrong

for playing cards and matching will never suffice

I admit that im wasting my time, my health, and all my efforts to things that do not deserve
and that which do deserve
i ignore like the plaque
as if i shouldnt do them
as if i just do them in the bare time
in the most concentrated time
like its not my responsibilty
not my time
not my day
not for me

I dont know what I care about

I admit I dont know what I care about, what I need or what I desire
life must go on
does my work directly relate to something else but me or should it all be me
hasnt God given me mind and thought to think and dream for myself and not for others

dont I have the chance to be here
instead of there

where are things going if I stay like this

everything unimportant thatis important and everything important that is unimportant

My work is my work
and my dreams are my dreams
and my goals are my goals

why dont I see that
at 28 years of age I think ive accomplished a great  deal

why dont I see that ?
but maybe if Allah has written for me
at 32 or 35 years of age
what would i have accomplished
I remember working so hard for things
I remember actually wanting things
I remember trying and hoping
but I dont and never remember being ......this lazy
this disorientated
unable to wake up early
or is it I dont want to wake up early to avoid problems and responsibilities

I admit also that I have become faithless
I admit that so much
long are the days I cared about what Allah thought

Long are the days i planned to be kind
to be happy ,
to be happy truly for myself because ive achieved things in different places in beautiful ways

I admit that ive done wrong towards people that dont deserve that from me and that they deserve better
 they deserve my attention and my care my love and most important most important my
for if i dont give kindness to anyone I should give it to them
for they are kind and have lived through way more pain and trauma for me to understand
and worse i dont want to be in that situation
I always want to be like the angels amongst people all the time and with family and purity but I dont want to be alone
but if I see someone so alone isnt it so wrong that i should only make them feel more alone
Ya Allah samihni
Ya Allah samihni

I feel ....destructive
I feel...wicked
I feel traumatic
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel addicted
I feel like im losing
I feel unproductive
 i feel ..... un me

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -