Saturday, January 12, 2013

JuSt SHut uP!

I yearn to break free.
from my limited heartbreak to unlimited glee
I yearn to turn strong
soaring to the sky because I am young
and full of God
full of reason to believe
I yearn to think unique.
like no one has ever done and like noone has ever thought
I yearn to live once
not in a dream, not in a fantasy
not in a melody of a sweet tune
I yearn to be respected
by myself
 Iyearn to be healthy
aaa healthy
like the wind in summer
or like dawn in december
or like fresh azans
or like grapefruit and oranges
no calories
I yearn to be clean
and do the right thing
or do the wrong thing and never do it again
i yearn to stop tlaking before someone tells me to
 I yearn to be in love
but sometimes i understand why im so far away from
that day
so immature
so out of reasoning
so out of questioning
just ocntinously thinking and tihnking and thinking and
its maddening
my mind
wont breathe
wont rest
wont eat
even though i eat more than anyone
my mind is always stariving always
wanting and wanting and wanting
my mind
wont see wont hear wont be
just screaming like a baby for one thing
and im tired
im so tired
i can feel it in my back
in my chest
in my heart
its aching all the time
its beating less all the time
even though i want love
and I want to be empty when it comes
I f eel like im consuming so much energy to keep shining
even though it really needs a prayer
at hte right time
its like inflation has hit me
i have to consume and pay so much more htan i can afford
i have to use so much of my time my mind my energy my

my dreams
i feel like theyre getting old
not because of time
but because i cant refresh them
i cant edit them or
change them
even though they
need desperate changing

im tired
im becoming useless
to God
what matters a muslim if they are not believing
if they are not waking
if they are not i ntouch with the one that can makei t all right
whats thepoint
in living
for its really like dying
when you are without god

im exhausted
even though ive slept so much
im at a loss
as to what i want
i want so much
that i can have all
and yet i feel like i have nothing

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -