Sunday, January 27, 2013

I hope that I go to see that flower bloom

I never knew what you wanted for me, until you gave it to me
I as k you always control me and change me for the woman I am supposed to become
stronger, better , one who opens her window and see frost of white
like snow white she turns into the beautiful queen
one that can buy cofee to go and open email as she walks
one that has prestige perfum nothing like the beginning
one that wears fresh crisp white and has a navy soul
that is too sexy to be bright but to good to be black
I want to be that woman that he strives for
not I strive for and beg and demand
I want to be caught and I want to be pursued
like a new bank account and a dary grey car
I want to have technology at my feet to help
and to be helped by the place I never imagined I would go
and now suddenly when you open the door for me
I am dying to go, I want to see what life has out there for me
so so far away, in time and space and land and thoughts
i want to amaze myself before others and I want to be the butterfly
after the caterpillar years, i want to love and be loved
but I want the truth and honest opinion , I want to be saved
by you my God , for I have totally forgotten you
I want to freeze in your arms praying for you all night
and working in the morning to be the best that i can
let me be the only one to give that best opinion about us
I have to be ready, I have to start now

Ya Rab , let me go
please let me go
i beg only you to let me go
I ask only you to save me from the place just 5 months ago I was wanting to come to
I am happy i am here
but I know now this is not where I can be
even if I want it
and I realise now
thatt im not like jasmine or even blessing
i am like me , hope
i hope for better days that i cannot see
i hope for brighter future that do not shine
I hope for cleaner streets taht do not beam
i hope for stronger safety that does not show
I hope and I hope
and I hope thaat this is not my only potential
and I hope that I make my own life
and I hope that I go
I hope that I go to see that flower bloom

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -