Wednesday, December 26, 2012

how many years have passed?

A jolt of madness sends me astray pushing everyone to the extreme I am blown away
with my courage or is lack think before I speak
lost in the extravagence of the moment i Forget the pain after a while
when young comers come to visit filled with beauty and sad but wonderful memories bringing them to a time of fantastic collection of truth, honesty, joy, love, faith, understanding, respect, everything
I am not
the words escape me and i dont see wahts wrong in them for I am just so mad , so mad at feeling so bad
and so weak and so useless and lifeless i have to prove a point - i have to prove a point that I am better that I am stronger thoughtful and that everyone should listen to me that what I say should go and what I say should stay for I am best
I am terrible
really I want to be a charachter like magic riding along life everything I say means something
now everything i say means nothing
really I want to be her - that woman who has


c for collection
h for heart that is her secret
a for alive with faith
r for respect
i for intimacy
s for safety
m for mesmerising
a for amel, amel

tell me what it takes to stop regretting stop becoming another one
tell me waht it takes to stop hurting yourself and other people
tell me what it takes to know youre the one
tell me waht it takes to give love to the one above
the one who gave you love
ad shared life wit hyou for he chose you as one of his
and you could have been somewhere else
and someone else
doing nothing else but liviing a lie

tell me
how many years have passed?

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -