Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I dont feel like writing

I dont feel like writing
probably because during inspiration hours  I am sleeping
angry to wake up and try to find love
I dont feel like writing because I am wrong
and I am not strong
I have nothing to write about
I hate all these noises and thoughts near me
i feel ugly and like a fake
too big to fit into my dreams
and I cant seem to make my dreams fit me
i dont feel like writing
my dreams seem to have melted
I close my eyes so hard and still the edges of the dream
are grey and the centre is all fuzzy and the sound is mute
like a broken cinema
I cant see the wonderful film I created no more
no matter how hard i try to fix it
all i see is messy lines on the screen
I dont feel like writing
i dont feel like writing at all
I dont know how to write or what to write
about my fears?
about my questions?
about my jealousy?
my terrible jealousy?
about my anger?
that im always trying to hide
I feel like im split in two
one the one who no one knows about
the other the one that everyone knows about
yet no one seems to understand

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -