I am primitive

I want to say , I am not the indent of love or the broken of smiles
I am not the voice of loudness or the words of anger
I am not the sense of senseless or the parts of fury
I am not the one they think or the one they know

I am hope, i will always be hope
whether it is maddening or frightening
whether it is controllable or not controllable
I am hope , the good one, the fighter, the believer

the one that makes mistakes, the one that cries after
the one that prays for good and when torn prays for bad
the one that doesnt mean but does mean,
the one whose feelings are raw and sharp

like a blade, like a fist, like a million fists
unbroken
sore
tempted
and the temptation turns into a broken family

considering hellos turn into shouts
and smiles turn into tears
and people turn against me
I fight
i dont give up
for these are my primitive feelings
my sore points
that they touch

with understanding or none
I am here
primitive
like an eater, looking for heat from the cold, and comfort from the wind

I make cinnamon rolls
I make red velvet cake
I make lemon drizzle

I am an elegant woman
I dont show it
for I am the primitive one
with the kindest other half

I am the mean half
the tormented half
the stolen half
the mixed in mind half
the one that is lost half


and now i am losing and will lose
whether it s time, patience, love, respect

I have lost and will lose

but i am here
a woman
sad
hurt
sore
missing
wanting
needing
craving
yearning
asking
begging
wanting


I am a primitive being
like all my ancerstors
drawing on walls their words
I draw my words with screams


like all my ancestors
holding ornaments they treasure
i treasure my family
my only family
and hold it deep in my heart and soul
deep down


and now here I am
lost and losing
sore and torn
bruised and used
bullied


like schoolground children
red eyes they look at me and fingers they hold at me
and throws they blow to my nurture
for i grew up with .... suits and going to work everyday
and money like every penny

not from trees
not from anything but sweat


i grew up knowing and believing in the best
and so i will always know and believe the best

in kindness
in strength
in happiness
in knowledge

and in improvement
and if i regret


it is only that i regret being primitive
but not being me