Sunday, January 22, 2012

The undeniable truth_Green Pearls & Red Satin

I am so ashamed
I cannot breathe
I cannot think
I cannot be
the right thing
ever
and I have lost that forever

i always thought i wanted lust i wanted desire passion yearning lack of control temptation in the surrender of everything else
i would die for this i said
I would go mad for this i said
i would fight for this until the end i said
 Iwould even give up waht I believed for ...for this I said
and I agreed with every thought in my being
and then.....
a story comes along and shows me what I really want
what my heart really is in pain for
what I really want to watch
what I really want to eat
what I really want to feel
what I Really want to do

i dont want a love fit for a king
i dont want treasures or fantasy

I just want to thank god for giving me the right person
tonight god did a good thing for me even though i have continued to do bad for him
he helped even though i dont deserve it
he protected my family even though i undenyably put them in danger
today god helped me
and showed me what it is I really want
what it is i really want...........

I used to mock them
i used to laugh at them
think their letters and napkins were just silly
ha ha ha
! ha.............. ha!!!!
look at real love learn from them I said
kissing and tasting and touching and words soooooo hypnotising thats real love thats true love that s.........

I used to laugh at them and skip their beat
i used to think whatever move on

and now the joke is on me
they won
and I lost
they showed me what they have is whats true and right
and what is true and right always wins
always always wins


He walks into the room after a long long journey
she cant feel her knees as she has walked the same
no wrods are spoken the silence is unbroken
but the language they hear is violent
she can hear him say
Ive been dreaming of this day for so long
he can hear her say
I love you I love you I love you
everything is right everything is perfect
everything
is
correct
I cannot fault it
my everlasting pain actually ceases for a little while
because for a little while I see what it is I want
right in front of my eyes.....
for a little while I can find it
this is what I want
I could show it to myself
and i can let my soul my bleeding soul understand
what it is im looking for ..............


His greens and her reds merge in the softness of honesty
her eyes blend with her true emotion
his love soars as the nearness of her beauty reveals
her eyes follow him
his breath gets sharper
their love is larger....... than I ever imagined.................


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -