Wednesday, January 25, 2012

cancel each other out

Here I am......in a war of time and balance
feeling like all my words have failed me andbetrayed me
fr I am unsheltered and broken

I feel like I have all the reasons of impurity and sadness by my side
suddenly my writing decieves me and weakens me
I feel embarrassed from all ive written

suddnly i think what  is this
what have i done
where have i been gone
why am I like this
soooo impatient

I want to scream
I want to get lost in a paradise far far away
where I dont know about anything and they dont know about me
I want to be in a place where I am sheltered with peace and no worry
just praying to god
just remembering he is the only thing close to me
between these rocks and water
between these sands and distance
I wish I knew a place like that in my mind
where I would find heaven inside
and deep within
and feel free from sin
and extra thoughts
and loose promises
and untied results

I wish I wasbetter
cleaner
smarter
more talanted
more patient
stronger
wiser
happier

I am unhappy because
I am stretched in a million ways
I want this
but I also want to be that
I want to go right but I want to stay left
I want to live here but I also want to live there
I want to know t his but i want to knwo that
I want to love this but I want to love that
I want to do this but I want to do that
I realise
im living in a world where all I do is want
I just want and want and want and want
I enver get because all my wants cancel each other out

i dont want to cancel my wants no more
there is an important thing i need to do to achieve my monthly discovery
YA RAB
a monthly discovery is important to me
please do not let me fail never mind fail the first one ............
Ya RAB

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -