Monday, January 9, 2012

I feel sick from the fingers

I feel sick
from the heart up and down
today I filled myself with emptiness and then more
I disrespected the respected glory of life
I gave myself away


I feel sick from the mind forever
like I thought for nothing 
like I lived for nothing
like I did nothing

I feel sick from the waist up and down
getting ever so bloated with mistakes
going backwards never forwards

I feel sick from the broken upwards
shattered and tormented by myself downwards
always downwards
always lost always full but empty 

i cannot think I cannot do
 Icannot breathe
 Icannot desire or retire into anything favouring
I am afraid to get sick for I feel sick 

I feel sick from the eye outward
I feel sick from the typing inwards
I feel sick from my stomach all wards

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -