Sunday, January 29, 2012

En Route to..... new poetry

i no longer am employed by heartbreak company
I no longer write images of fantasy
i write beauty
I write images of mytrust within myself
I write how a simple piano sog makes me and breaks me
I write how even though my dreams are large I am large enough to fill them
I write how God can turn me or break me but I will only believe that he will turn my future around and save me
I write how sudan is my home and I am its friend therefore it will help me
I am lavish enough
strong enough good enough
to deserve forgiveness
I deserve an image of myself that is happy and sound
passing life freely and with all the things I need and want


Ya Rab here I am today dreaming of aday where normally I am sad and unwisely fearful
sad and think that I am so far away
but today my writing writes
I am close closerthan i think
and iwth everyday that passes I love you more Ya Rab and I wish that you forgive me and help me becomethe woman you created me to become
I wish that you let me deserve that love I am looking for
I dont know what it looks like or feels like
and I open foryour suggestion ya allah
all i know is I am fresh
and new for it
I am unique to it
I will spen my time reserveing love for the man you give me
the one you intend to cross my heart with
and I wll not fail to show you that i am deserving of that match

Ya Rab
I asky ou to help me
direct me and teach and help me spend my days wisely controllably freely
Ya rAb I realise I have yet a lot to learn in loving you and that is true love
I have betrayed you and become unfaithful
trading u with other things
changing you with other images in my mind

and here I am today in total belief that you will take me back and give me your blessing
Ya Rab

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -