Sunday, January 25, 2015

A mundane nightmare 2_ The last word

Im angry with myself
I let him get to me
I let him trVel here with me
.... u criminal i wont let u ruin my life in anyway or form
I wont let u beat me even unintentionally
You will not steal my mind my peace of mind
And u certainly wont give me tears
Here i am 
With my own efforts -
even though u took so much of it we still survive and better and 
we help each other to survive and here i am
Away from u and better than u cud ever imagine
Not a lot of people can imagine being here 
And certainly i couldnt imagine
But i got the job from the first try
From the first telephone even tho i was late an hour
And now im drinking cofee in cafe nero
But ive done a mistKe
I let u become a point a conversation with my dear love and hes right
I dont want u in my life either
I suddenly realised how strong a hold u still are 
How much strength ive given u
How much pain and worry ive let u cause me
And u dont matter a bit not a hair u dont matter like a grain of sand or dirt u are
I promise myself with this note 
I will never mention u again
I will never think of u Nd if i do i will say hasb lilahh wa nim alwakeel
And i will pray for my true family to have health and peace instead of 
wasting my time with u 
Sent from my iPhone

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -