Sunday, January 25, 2015

sent from my iphone_ the falmouth past

New friday last august friday
Been waiting for this weekend to come 
i misshim so much
But am scared to meet up with him 
That first impression.....
This is the last weekend in august
August... Was jolted out of sudan. Put in the bottom of england. Pushed to work hard at work. No more waking up like i want or not going
Nooo messing about business
So why am i messing about in my life?in my health
If going to the gym was like work what would happen?
I would be great
Everytime i think about how easy it was to come here
I just know god wanted me to come
And deep down i even know the reason
To reach the right place
I deserve to be here
Iiii do
I  am a good dentist
Its my profession
And im really good at it

Thare are so many girls walking around with jeans and a black shirt and they look amazing

The honest truth is
Im not trying hard enough
Im not

A wish will remain a wish
A dream will remain a dream
A hope will remain a hope

I wish i could be....
Comfortable with my body
Confident about my looks

I wish i was
Sweeter to myself
I wish i could just see the pain and damage to myself

See the drama that could all be avoided

Hey here is another idea
Treat fat like him
Let him help u 
Yes let him do somethinng for u

U got rid of him
U dont want to hear speak see or think of him
And ur doing it well
Well... Shut out fat from ur body
Everyday think about fat as a nuisance like him
Aim to lose some so by the end of september
It would be like u stopped texting ringing and facebooking him in ur life

Dont do this
Hovering over the same thing
Unable to move forward or back

Its like repeating school all over again
Failing exams all over again
Losing time precious allll the time

Am so scared that jjasmine is there
I dont kno why am making it a competition
But even if it is am certainly losing
Not cuz of that issue 
But because am all wrong inside of myself
Am not in the right place out of choice always moving in the wrong direction

I know Allah is testing you

Dont treat ur body wrong
U crawled ur way out of the gym today! But dont crawl yourself out of exercise
Close that chapter in your head and begin again
U must stop this eerie voice inside u telling u u may still be

Another mistake
And another one

My guts are sown together
I cant even look at clothes
Or jewelry
I'm not honestly thinking of myself
Its too painful
To go into a shop and know i still wont have my size

This weekend has been a heavenly hell
Radioactive disaster
My body cannot bare it any longer
Or anymore
Its just horrible to see myself
To think about how much damage ive caused
Ive stopped believing
This weekend 
Ive just stopped
I loved all the nice things that happened and that i saw but
Deep down i hated every bit of it
Being alone
Being here
Still looking like this
Its a month on i should have changed
Its the last day of the month
What sort of review would i give it
Strong at work
Well sociable
Still the same with food
Really it was only a week i did well
I broke it with red velvet cake remember?
And i still remember how heavy i felt

Simple truth
Im not

At all

Im too weak

 its a monday
And i have the best table

I am in the right place
I am in the right place

I need to use the pain of being alone to look at myself
All youre doing
And start again

Start fresh and new

Sent from my iPhone

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -