sent from my iphone_ the falmouth past

New friday last august friday

Been waiting for this weekend to come 

i misshim so much

But am scared to meet up with him 

That first impression.....

This is the last weekend in august

August... Was jolted out of sudan. Put in the bottom of england. Pushed to work hard at work. No more waking up like i want or not going

Nooo messing about business

 

So why am i messing about in my life?in my health

If going to the gym was like work what would happen?

I would be great

Everytime i think about how easy it was to come here

I just know god wanted me to come

And deep down i even know the reason

To reach the right place

I deserve to be here

Iiii do

I  am a good dentist

Its my profession

And im really good at it

Thare are so many girls walking around with jeans and a black shirt and they look amazing

I

Dont

Look

Amazing

The honest truth is

Im not trying hard enough

Im not

A wish will remain a wish

A dream will remain a dream

A hope will remain a hope

I wish i could be....

Comfortable with my body

Confident about my looks

I wish i was

Sweeter to myself

 

I wish i could just see the pain and damage to myself

See the drama that could all be avoided

 

Hey here is another idea

Treat fat like him

Let him help u 

Yes let him do somethinng for u

U got rid of him

U dont want to hear speak see or think of him

And ur doing it well

Well... Shut out fat from ur body

Everyday think about fat as a nuisance like him

Aim to lose some so by the end of september

It would be like u stopped texting ringing and facebooking him in ur life

Please

Dont do this

Hovering over the same thing

Unable to move forward or back

Its like repeating school all over again

Failing exams all over again

Losing time precious allll the time

Am so scared that jjasmine is there

I dont kno why am making it a competition

But even if it is am certainly losing

Not cuz of that issue 

But because am all wrong inside of myself

Am not in the right place out of choice always moving in the wrong direction

Always

I know Allah is testing you

Dont treat ur body wrong

U crawled ur way out of the gym today! But dont crawl yourself out of exercise

Close that chapter in your head and begin again

U must stop this eerie voice inside u telling u u may still be

UR NOT

Another mistake

And another one

My guts are sown together

I cant even look at clothes

Or jewelry

I'm not honestly thinking of myself

Its too painful

To go into a shop and know i still wont have my size

This weekend has been a heavenly hell

Radioactive disaster

My body cannot bare it any longer

Or anymore

Its just horrible to see myself

To think about how much damage ive caused

Ive stopped believing

This weekend 

Ive just stopped

I loved all the nice things that happened and that i saw but

Deep down i hated every bit of it

Being alone

Being here

Still looking like this

Its a month on i should have changed

Its the last day of the month

What sort of review would i give it

?

Strong at work

Well sociable

Still the same with food

Really it was only a week i did well

I broke it with red velvet cake remember?

And i still remember how heavy i felt

Simple truth

Im not

Trying

At all

Im too weak

 

 its a monday

And i have the best table

I am in the right place

I am in the right place

I need to use the pain of being alone to look at myself

 stop 

All youre doing

And start again

Start fresh and new

Sent from my iPhone