Saturday, January 24, 2015

reall? still here?

Imagine living with a devil

inside you
eating you alive.... as you try to continue doing something anything , you don't know what

imagine sleeping awake and thinking asleep

nothing is evolutionary, nothing is documentary
nothing is right
imagine needing something so much so deeply desperately praying for it , yearning for it all those years and then suddenly it all melts in to truth and it happens and then what....

you forget Allah, Life , accordance with memory you forget who you are and turn into a broken down desperation of freedom like an open prison 

your inside with an open door and you choose to stay ...inside
although there is freedom if you just step out 
there is a whole new world 

i want to ask you hope
why are you like this so .... angry with yourself
so down 
so lacking in confidence

 it seems like you have it all but i don't think it is all

 i think its pride
and arrogance
and although i am kind I am deeply evil inside too

to be continued....

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -