Monday, September 24, 2012

my eat pray love

Its a rainy gloomy morning
queit and there arnt a lot of people boarding trains or walking near me
I have to check my watch to make sure It's the right time
Am I an hour early, an hour late?
no its the right time
its just a calm day
I ask myself
is it the right time to be sad?
why am I sad?
why am I diasspointed
am I a weak terrible person if  I dont want to be here?
if I want to be somewhere else
I ask myself
why am I tryin to squeeze myself in a container I just will never fit in
not now anyway
I ask myself
Is it really a disaster
Is it really a mess?
or is it exactly what ive been praying for coming true
didnt I ask for this
that by next Ramadan I would be.......
well there are logistics to it Hope
I ask myself
there is one scene I like from eat pray love
where she is eating somewhere in an empty apartment , traffic in the background but calm inside,  eating a warm, delicious emotional and colourful breakfast
its like she is at pause with life and love and meaning
and the world can just wait

I want to experience that
with all my foods
I want to eat everything and feel healthy  and strong
through wisdom of choice and glamorous expeditions of taste

I want to pray delightfully kindly meaningfully romantically
I want to learn how to pray correctly and teach my self  the coordinations with the heavens and a 2pm hot omdurman afternoon

I want to love
with all my heart and extensions of mind and soul
I want to be loved
honestly and kindly
simply and innocently
and right
I want it to be and feel right
no conditions attached
except love

so i decided on one of the last gloomy london mornings - I ll be here
rain dripping from the sky
tyres encircled with water making an open sound of cold
that I will begin my own
eat pray love

beginning with the end of a life I do not want
and starting a journey of self finding and beauty

to be continued................

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -