Saturday, September 15, 2012

change the whole of me 4

I  look at myself in the mirror and i see a woman lacking flavour , apricotcscrubs and life
I look at myself deeper and I think what is it that I  can realy see hidden behind unexfoliated skin?
There is a                woman of                                       beautiful character 
of poise 
of depth                                                  elegance,                                            inner peace
,                              and
                                                          sweet  magnetism
there is a woman of sanction,  calm and goodness, a woman wanting simple but powerful things

                                                             young cool faithful dreams 

like  the air from a 2am refrigerator in the silenc of an african night except for one passing tired lorry or a 4 pm mug of tea in a khartoum alley way after a busy traffic street in downtown memory lane
there is a dream there are so many smaller dreams i side me

                                   yelping to escape 
i hope they come close enough so i can catch them
I hope they are  strong enough so I cannot hurt them
I hope they come healthy enough so they save me from myself

Ya Rab change the whole of me Ya Rab 
today, this year , today anyday change the whole of me 
I ask you to help me find what it is i am looking for
 for even I do not really know but I know its shape its colour its  texture its meaning its ability to make others happy to make my faith happy to make me smile ya Rab I think i know what it is but I do not know what it looks like
I Want you to help me  choose for me to guide me 
Ya rAb help me do not leave me alone
and do not leave me guess
leave me be better always leave me do the right thing always
I asked you this year to change the whole of me and I intend to continue no matter how close how hard how unbearable
I want to transform into all those things the woman inside me really is
please make me make the right choice 
Ya rab help me 
I ask you to help me 
Ya rAb

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -