Tuesday, September 18, 2012

you have one and a half hours to find closure

I ask myself
Until when Will muslims be only reacting robots , brought on by a chemical reaction the result of an explosion gone wrong or the end phase of an experiment gone right,

now I ask myself
Until when  will i always be the reaction to something and never the initiating actor the game on my hands, the chemicals for love or hapiness are in my hands and i let someone else react -

until when will i be the reaction to bad decisions or lazy expeditions in this beautiful life
until when will i be the reaction to an addiction or the consequence , the consequence of saying its too hard

I see someone who cantstop smoking and think that is just plain stupid i would never ever ever be in that situation
unable to save my life

and then i look at myself
am i not in that position
unable to save my life

this blog
this blog is a a history of my dealings, my feelings, my thoughts, my tears, my joys and my despair , 
its a journey that sometimes when i look back i regret i admire, i love, i hate , i still wish, i loathe to apprehend and its a memory, of times whne i was right , when i was stupid, when i was wrong, so wrong, when i was good, when i was a disaster ,

I am only sad at the time ive spent , wasted tears, and dreams that are just useless, maybe it does hurt more when i remember the car window and a young growing girl with innocent dreams, asking all the way home, but god has been nothing but kind to me , nothing but good to me and so I will be good to him
i will not trumpet like a false player, I will not scream like a child, I will not go numb like the paralysed, I will not drown like the sinking, I will not shed a tear

i enver restrict myself about what i want to write about
i never really into detial about what a piece is about
as i feel details ruin the emotion
i never restirct myself
but htis time I will
I will give myself only till the start of the new day that exactly 1 and a half hours to say anything i feel about the news i heard today
and then i will never ever ever write about this part of mylife again

fpr nothing saddens me except the time ive wasted
but i know i must find closure

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -