will I go, Will I stay?

Sometimes its unbearable , watching my dream with someone else - i feel tired but most of all I am afraid that it will never come back to me that it will lose me and i just want to run to catch it but even if i did run i wouldnt know where to look?
Sometimes its even more unberable to conjure the dream in my mind as if its so real as if its really mine
when all it is , is a fake portal


I wish upon a change
I feel im starting but its not enough
I feel im winnig but not yet first place
a part of me wants to go , a? part of me wants to stay
is it up to me to decide
I hope I stay only so  I do not default...twice

i tihnk I can bare another while alone
a hard uncomfortable spa treatment lets say
If I stayed Ya Rab i would continue my journey thinning down my evils and fattening my true ccurves
in all aspects of my gorgeous life
if I went
aaaaa if  Iwent  wouldnt know where to begin with happinness and a life portal of home existence and independance with family yet myself, teaching myself to live young and strong
but ive used so much ....
I couldnt bare taking another so much amount
Ya Rab
Ya RAb dont see me liek this
I dont want to spend like this
my time please just give me what i really want
whatever it will be then i know it is what i really wanted
even if it doenst feel like so
I promise what ever it iwll be
i will not be sad
no I will not be sad