Sunday, September 16, 2012

will I go, Will I stay?

Sometimes its unbearable , watching my dream with someone else - i feel tired but most of all I am afraid that it will never come back to me that it will lose me and i just want to run to catch it but even if i did run i wouldnt know where to look?
Sometimes its even more unberable to conjure the dream in my mind as if its so real as if its really mine
when all it is , is a fake portal

I wish upon a change
I feel im starting but its not enough
I feel im winnig but not yet first place
a part of me wants to go , a? part of me wants to stay
is it up to me to decide
I hope I stay only so  I do not default...twice

i tihnk I can bare another while alone
a hard uncomfortable spa treatment lets say
If I stayed Ya Rab i would continue my journey thinning down my evils and fattening my true ccurves
in all aspects of my gorgeous life
if I went
aaaaa if  Iwent  wouldnt know where to begin with happinness and a life portal of home existence and independance with family yet myself, teaching myself to live young and strong
but ive used so much ....
I couldnt bare taking another so much amount
Ya Rab
Ya RAb dont see me liek this
I dont want to spend like this
my time please just give me what i really want
whatever it will be then i know it is what i really wanted
even if it doenst feel like so
I promise what ever it iwll be
i will not be sad
no I will not be sad

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -